When Angels Deserve To Die
by Amynion
Summary: The boys are back on the road. Frank has called them for a meeting after gaining some important Leviathan related info... But after taking on Sam's madness Castiel is slowly losing himself to Lucifer.
1. There's Something Quieter Than Sleep

(Note: This is a follow up to my previous piece "Four Men in a Car (To Say Nothing of the Devil)". It's 25,385 words in total - though I'm posting bit by bit, it's not a WIP ;-) Poetry by Emily Dickinson)

**When Angels Deserve to Die**

**Chapter 1 – There's Something Quieter Than Sleep**

_While simple hearted neighbors_  
_Chat of the "Early dead"_  
_We - prone to periphrasis_  
_Remark that Birds have fled!_

Dean pulled in at a motel; it was the first lurid bright sign declaring vacancies they had seen in a while. The place looked like a run-down dump, but the Winchesters had seen and slept in worse. Sam got out of the car and turned to open Castiel's door. The angel was still tightly bound. Sam hated seeing him this way. "Hey can I take off—"

"No." Dean abruptly cut across him. Then his voice softened. "Not yet anyway… now go get us a room, I'll grab Cas."

Sam huffed and went to the office while Dean opened the door and knelt in front of Castiel. He tried to catch the angel's attention, but Castiel was staring straight ahead... he wasn't playing ball. Hesitating with his hand hovering in midair Dean finally reached out and gently placed his hand on Castiel's arm. He startled and looked up at Dean as if a jolt of electricity had gone through him.

"Hey Cas, we're stopping here for a few hours sleep. Lets get you out of there and into a nice soft bed… well it'll probably be a lumpy hard bed, but it's better than the car. Come on."

He tugged on the arm and Castiel eventually made a move, shuffling his feet to the door. The angel winced as his injured foot hit the ground.

"You okay walking? We really gotta find you some boots or something…" Castiel's hospital issue slippers didn't survive his attempt at jumping out of the car. They hadn't had a chance to get him anything better since fleeing the hospital. It had been a rather hasty departure… some might say it was sort of a kidnapping.

As Dean pulled Castiel to his feet, Sam appeared with a key. The two half-carried half-frog marched the angel to their room. Bobby zapped into a chair as they got through the door, causing Dean to jump slightly. "You're getting as bad as Cas doing that you know," he chided.

"Yeah, well your angel ain't got a monopoly on appearing out of thin air," Bobby snarked back at him. "It's a privilege of the deceased too. Being dead has to have some perks."

They seated Castiel on one of the motel beds; Dean crouched to look at his foot, and frowned. "He's not healing… think he's losing his mojo?"

Sam sat down heavily on the other bed and sighed. "Well with everything happening at the hospital he must have some power left. Maybe it's just on the fritz."

"Yeah, maybe… Cas? Can you heal this?" Dean spoke clearly and deliberately, hoping to get through to the angel.

"No! I can't! You can't make me!" Castiel spat angrily, although he aimed it past Dean, as though he were speaking to somebody else.

"Oookay… never mind then, we'll just do this the old fashioned way." Dean set about cleaning and bandaging the gash on Castiel's foot. He released the angel's bonds before doing so- there hadn't been a peep out of Cas in a while. That last outburst made Dean wonder, but he was willing to give the angel a chance now they had stopped for the night… and he could feel Sam's disapproving eyes burning a hole in the back of his head. If things went south Dean could always tie him up again, and give Sam an 'I told you so' to boot.

-oOo-

Since the earlier incident on the road, Castiel had succeeded in ignoring the devil. Of course Lucifer followed when they left the car, and he swept into the motel room with them. All the while talking, prodding, poking. But Castiel did not respond.

Lucifer took a seat next to Sam and lazily draped an arm around Sam's shoulders, as if he was lounging with a lover. At this, Castiel bristled and glared at the devil. He could withstand being the object of Lucifer's attention, but he would not see that attention turned upon the Winchesters.

"So Dean wants to see your powers. Tell him 'I'll show you mine if you show me yours.' I'm sure you'll be happy with the result." Lucifer leered at his little brother, "I know you've got your mojo somewhere. Stop hiding your grace and give him a little show! I know you can, you little tease…"

"No! I can't! You can't make me!" Castiel bit back angrily.

"Oh, I can't? Really Castiel, you know you shouldn't tempt me like that." Lucifer got to his feet, and the room seemed to darken, the atmosphere turning chilly as he stalked towards his prey.

The devil faced Castiel, standing right beside Dean, who was nonchalantly packing away the first aid kit. Lucifer placed a hand on Dean's head, lazily twisting his fingers through Dean's hair. Dean remained oblivious to the danger he was in.

"Leave him alone…" Castiel managed to whisper defiantly.

"Why? You want your forgiveness? I can make him say anything you like given enough time." Lucifer's fingers slipped down the side of Dean's face to caress his cheek. The devil knelt beside him then, their faces only inches apart. Castiel hardly dared to breathe. One wrong move… one wrong _word_ and Lucifer could break Dean's neck.

Dean looked up at Castiel with searching eyes, only curious at what Castiel was saying to thin air. But just because he didn't see Lucifer, it didn't mean Lucifer couldn't hurt him. The pain Lucifer inflicted on Castiel was real enough. He had to get Lucifer away from Dean. He would have to be fast…

Suddenly Castiel surged forwards, intent on knocking the devil down. But Lucifer gracefully stepped away, and Dean stepped up to catch Castiel, pushing him back onto the bed and pinning his arms.

"Take it easy, Cas. There's nobody there, you're fighting nothing. Now calm down." Dean's voice was steady and insistent, but he couldn't see Lucifer sitting on Castiel's other side. The angel's wide, fearful eyes were fixed on him.

"You have to let me go, Dean!" Castiel fought against Dean's grip, but it remained firm. "He's _right there_! You have to believe me! If you don't release me—"

"Cas, I'll release you when you calm the fuck down and tell me there's only you, me, Sam and Bobby here." A hint of desperation crept into Dean's voice.

Castiel slowly shook his head, face set in terror. He was trapped, and Dean was unwittingly holding him down for Lucifer. The devil's innocent accomplice shook him hard. "Cas, you son of a bitch, look at me, not him! I'm right here!"

But Castiel didn't respond. His attention was fully on the devil, who sat watching with a half-smile on his face. "That wasn't very nice Castiel, attacking me like that," Lucifer hissed. "You need to show more respect for your elders… Well, I was going to offer you the easy way or the hard way, but clearly the easy way isn't going to work here."

Lucifer thrust a claw-like hand at Castiel's chest. As his fingers dug in, the helpless angel screamed. Castiel's back arched off the bed, his eyes rolled back, and the angel lapsed into convulsions as Dean struggled to hold him down.

-oOo-

Sam rushed forward to help Dean hold the shaking angel. Eventually the tremors subsided and Castiel lay still, his chest heaving with each breath. As he settled, Sam placed a comforting hand on his forehead, brushing away the angel's hair.

"We need to do something," Sam said quietly. "He can't carry on like this."

"What the hell are we supposed to do? We can't deal with this. This is so far off the map it's…" Dean sighed and wiped a hand over his face, not even bothering to finish his sentence.

Bobby had watched quietly thus far. There wasn't much he could do, after all. But he decided to put in a suggestion, even if he knew the boys wouldn't like it. "Why not call down an angel? We're not qualified to play holy doctors and nurses, but one of them will be."

Dean cut a hand through the air as he shook his head. "No way. After what Cas did, they're just going to want him dead. That's if there are any angels left up there; Cas mentioned a death toll in Heaven, he could have cleaned house…"

"I'm not seeing what other option we have. You got a rolodex full of angel head doctors? No? Then dial Heaven's 911, or we carry on hauling his crazy ass from state to state watching him get worse. It's your choice." Bobby wasn't one for coddling in life, nor death it seemed.

Castiel started coming around a little, coughing and gasping as if struggling for breath. Sam rolled him onto his side as he thoughtfully put forward a name. "Balthazar. He's the only angel we know who might want to help Cas. He's our best bet."

"I wouldn't trust him as far I could throw him… but I guess he is the lesser evil. For the record: I don't like this one bit." Dean resigned himself to calling Balthazar and put his hands together in mocking prayer. "Oh Balthazar who art in Heaven – or what's left of it– pain in the ass be thy name. Come down here and fix your buddy. We need you."

They paused a moment with bated breath, waiting. Nothing happened; nobody came.

The silence was broken by a huff of laughter from Castiel. "I killed him." Three stunned faces turned to look at the angel, not sure whether to believe him or not. "He won't come. I put my sword through his heart…" Then, as if he was suddenly realising what he was saying, Castiel's voice broke into anguished cries. "Father forgive me! I killed him! My brother… father forgive me, father forgive me…" He said the words softly but intensely, as if they would wash away his sins with each repetition.

Dean stood abruptly and walked away from the bed, not saying a word. Sam remained at Castiel's side and put a comforting hand on his arm. Guilt weighed heavily on Sam, he sympathised with Castiel, thinking of each demon he drained with a person screaming within… and the screams of the nurse he sometimes still heard.

Dean had his back to them, but Sam could practically feel the frustration and disgust coming off him in waves. Dean had his own demons; he was disgusted by them as much as Cas, but his way of dealing was to get space. Push it all deep down and drown it with alcohol.

Sam dared to break the tension in the room with a quiet suggestion. "Dean, go shower, let's just get some sleep. We can deal with all this in the morning." He didn't really expect anything to get dealt with in the morning. He just hoped that having the rest of the night to think things over and get some shut eye would cool Dean off.

When Dean emerged from the shower he already seemed to have melted a little. Of course he didn't say anything about Cas's revelation – his feelings on that were probably already stored away to explode at some later point – but at least he was talking. "If Cas is taking that bed, you can have the other one, Sam. I'll take the chair. You've got a lot of sleep to catch up on after all."

A weak voice came from the prone figure on the bed. "I don't sleep… I don't need to sleep. I'm okay."

"Forget it Cas," Dean shot back. "Whether you need to sleep or not, you look like you could do with it."

The angel struggled to get up, and Sam helped him sit. He stared at Dean with a glassy, haunted look in his eyes. "I'm not sleeping. I can't–"

"Yeah, I know – I can't make you," Dean said, in a humourless, deadpan fashion.

Sam skirted over the sniping and set about getting Castiel settled. "Okay, we'll sit you down at the table with Bobby. If you feel like having a lie down, just let me know."

Carefully Sam helped Castiel over to a chair. He seemed so weak and drained, looked almost like a strong gust of wind could blow him away. It was hard to believe a warrior of God was in their midst. It was even harder to believe he used to wield the power of a God not so long ago, even if that power ultimately proved to be false.

-oOo-

Bobby waited until Sam and Dean were getting into bed before muttering, "Night boys, don't mind me. I'll just sit here and… stare at the angel."

"Night, Bobby." Dean replied, and then he had a thought. "Wait… all this time you've been around and we couldn't see you, what did you do? Watch us sleep?"

"Well what else could I do? I can't exactly go off to Disneyland while you've got my flask so close to your heart, idjit."

"Well that's not at all creepy…" Dean snarked as his head hit the pillow.

"Right then, Feathers, it's just you and me," Bobby sighed, and he watched as Castiel rubbed at his chest.

A muffled voice came from Dean's bed. "Can you stare at the angel a bit more quietly?"

"Go to sleep before I make you sleep." Bobby huffed and turned his attention back to Castiel. The angel kept rubbing at his chest, gazing eerily at Bobby with a half-smile.

"You want something to read? Nights get awfully long when you've nothing to do but listen to these two snore." Still he got no response from the angel. Bobby was a little creeped out, but then he remembered he was the ghost and it was _his_ job to do the creeping out.

Looking away from Castiel's strange stare, Bobby did his best to ignore the angel and went back to the reading material laid out on the table. It sure was going to be a long night.

-oOo-

As the boys lay in bed, Bobby, Castiel and Lucifer sat at the table – the sleeping and the sleepless. Lucifer clapped and rubbed his hands together. "So boys, what do we say to a game of poker? If you don't fancy cards I can provide the red hot kind…" And he looked to Castiel with a predatory grin.


	2. Why Do They Shut Me Out of Heaven?

(Note: How remiss of me! I forgot to thank my betas, Zatnikatel and Jonjo, you're awesome :D )**  
**

**Chapter 2 – Why Do They Shut Me Out of Heaven?**

_Why do they shut me out of Heaven?  
Did I sing too loud?_

Since the motel Castiel seemed to have deteriorated. The silence of the car was now broken by his one sided conversations with Lucifer, which were accompanied by the occasional whimper, flinch or hiss of pain. From what they could gather topics varied from painting the inside of the car with Winchester blood to the various petty slights of brother against brother in Heaven.

At first Dean had tried to distract Castiel from his hallucinations. He might as well have been talking to a brick wall; Castiel wouldn't even look at him let alone answer him. So Dean put the radio on for a while hoping to drown out the small but persistent voice in the back… _If God's on our side then God is a joker, asleep on the job his children fall over… _The words of the latest song brought a grim smile to Dean's face, but whatever song played he could only focus on the tormented ramblings of their angel. Finally Dean switched the radio off and tried to engage Bobby and Sam in conversation. It was awkward, like people talking across each other at dinner, only one of them wasn't actually there… Bobby eventually stopped trying, and Sam became more interested in the passing scenery. So they ended up listening to Castiel.

"You were so bright brother… so glorious and loving of this world. You spoke of sunset's light on long grass after rainfall, the way it created a field of sparkling diamonds in the wind. You delighted in God's creatures, telling us of the gentle solace found watching a herd of horses as they quietly grazed at dusk… How did it come to this? How did you _become_ this?" Castiel spoke so earnestly, Dean almost had to blink away tears as he found himself in that field, a gentle breeze playing across his skin.

After a momentary pause Castiel continued, his voice harder. "_They_ are God's creatures too! And you would see this world drenched in their blood? You would see their flesh rent and their bones strewn across the earth? You were to love them as you loved our Father!"

Seeing a sign for a diner up ahead Dean breathed a sigh of relief. He needed to eat, but he really needed to get out of this car. Any longer listening to Castiel and he'd be seeing Lucifer too.

"He shouldn't have… I didn't mean to… I'm sorry, I'm sorry". The angel's previous strong demeanour melted away to leave him cowering and close to tears.

Whether or not Castiel was talking about Balthazar, it brought to mind his earlier confession. To say it shocked Dean was an understatement… Balthazar was Castiel's _friend_, or as close as they got to having friends in Heaven. The angel was so far gone he couldn't tell friend from foe. He conspired with Crowley, killed his friends, and _hurt_ Sam… Dean's grip tightened on the steering wheel.

"I'm sorry, Dean". Looking at the angel in the rear view mirror it was hard to tell whether he was actually speaking to Dean or just rambling in his other reality. Either way it didn't matter… Dean wasn't going to answer.

As they pulled in to the diner's car park Sam tried to speak to Dean under his breath. "Um, Dean, what are we going to do with Cas? Can't exactly take him in there like this…" Castiel wasn't really paying attention but it still felt rude to Sam.

"I'll lock the car, he can stop here. We're not going to be that long". It wasn't like Castiel was a baby or a dog or something…

"You sure that's a good idea? What if-" Sam didn't get a chance to finish. Dean had already turned to look at Castiel.

"Cas? Hey… you listening? We're going to get something to eat. We'll just be a minute so sit tight here ok?" Dean searched the angel's face for any sign he'd understood.

Castiel didn't look like he was listening, but suddenly he reached forward to grab Dean's arm. "Don't leave me alone with him!" the angel begged with wide eyes.

Dean hesitated… it might be a bit risky to leave Cas in the car by himself after all. So he plastered on a smile, hoping to downplay the angel's fears, and took out Bobby's flask. "Don't worry, Bobby will stop here with you".

"He will?! Why do I have to angel sit?" Bobby wasn't keen on the idea. Angel sitting at the motel hadn't been much fun.

"Well me and Sam need to eat, you don't, ergo you get to stop here". Dean tried to put it as simply as possible, he didn't really want to start arguing about Castiel with him sitting there.

"So grab something at a garage and lets keep on the move. Frank's waiting!" Bobby argued to no avail.

"Bobby, I need something proper to eat… as proper as you get in these kinds of places anyway. We won't be long, promise". After Sam got out Dean placed the flask on the shotgun seat and turned to give Bobby a nod.

-oOo-

Lucifer sat in the driving seat, looking back at Castiel, his arm leaning over the steering wheel as if he'd just driven them there. Castiel was having a hard time ignoring the devil now. Colour seemed to drain from the world around him while Lucifer became ever more brilliant. Castiel feared he would eventually be left in the dark with him.

"Isn't this nice? Dean's left you a toy to play with". He motioned at the flask on the next seat over.

"I don't want to play". Castiel replied in a quiet subdued voice.

"You play with the toy, or I play with you Castiel". Lucifer's cheerful façade dropped away in an instant.

The angel shook his head and cowered away as Lucifer's hand came towards him.

-oOo-

Bobby watched Sam and Dean walk into the diner with a frown. He couldn't help feeling irritated about being left behind. It was just a diner, it was just food - that he couldn't eat anyway – but he was being dumped with the crazy ass angel. It felt like he was being kicked off the big boy's table.

Turning to look at Castiel Bobby did feel a little bad for his attitude toward the angel. Cas was slumped in his seat, a vacant stare on his face, looking for all the world like a wilted flower.

"Look Cas, I know you're probably not listening to a word I'm saying but anyhow… it's not that I don't like you or anything, it's just hard to talk to a guy who'd rather talk to someone who's not there". Bobby was trying hard not to make this a chick flick moment. "This Lucifer hallucination, or whatever you're seeing, just kick it in the ass and come back to us ok?"

For a moment Castiel's eyes flicked up to meet Bobby's, he could swear there was a flash of lucidity, a brief acknowledgement of what Bobby had said. The moment ended abruptly with Castiel sitting up and staring rigidly at the driver's seat.

"There's nobody there son, it's just you and me". Bobby quietly reassured, hoping to claw back the spark of sanity he'd just seen.

"I don't want to play". Castiel whispered before recoiling backwards and hissing.

"Cas? You ok?" Cautiously Bobby put a hand out to the angel, but before it reached his arm Castiel suddenly sat ramrod straight and whipped round to stare at Bobby. His eyes seemed cold and hard. A half-smile graced his lips.

"Robert Singer… so old, so frail, so _insubstantial_". Castiel spoke wistfully; he pushed a finger slowly towards Bobby until it went through his chest.

"Careful there Cas, nobody teach you to keep your hands to yourself?" Bobby was wary, something wasn't right here…

After Castiel withdrew his hand he leaned forward and snatched the flask from the front seat.

"And this is all that's left of you. Sad isn't it? Although quite fitting that the last remnant of you is a liquor filled flask. As you were in life, so shall you be in death… but why did you decide to stay for a couple of boys that don't need you?" Castiel cocked his head.

"You're not Castiel are you?" It looked to Bobby like the hallucination had got a little out of control…

"I asked first Bobby. It's only polite to answer". The smile had disappeared now.

"Castiel, fight it, this isn't you. You heard what I just said – kick it in the ass!" Bobby sincerely hoped he could, because the dim-witted boys had just trapped him in the car with goodness knows what.

"I wonder what happens if I do this…" Castiel clutched the flask tightly in both hands and slowly it started to glow. "Is it me or is it getting hot in here?" He said with a grin.

Bobby was getting warmer and warmer until it felt like the fires of hell were licking at him. "Stop it! Cas! You've got to stop it!" He was helpless to fight back. Bobby felt as if he was coming apart at the seams, he was slowly disintegrating bit by bit. If this is what it felt like when they put ghosts to rest no wonder so many fought against it. Bobby flickered in and out of existence; it couldn't end like this… not after everything. He wanted to help the boys; he clung to this scant form of life to help them save the world. And now he was to be snuffed out by an angel with a screw loose while Sam and Dean filled their faces mere metres away in a greasy spoon. "Castiel! STOP!" he bellowed.

And then suddenly it stopped.

Bobby looked at the angel in disbelief… had he got through to Castiel? Had he regained control? The half-smile and cold eyes told Bobby he hadn't. Castiel held the flask out, almost as if he was offering it… and then he smashed his head full force into it. Again and again his face met the flask until blood flowed freely from his nose, over his lips and down his chin.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Bobby made to snatch at the flask, but without concentrating his hands only went through it.

-oOo-

Sam watched Dean shovelling food into his mouth like there was no tomorrow. He picked at his own salad, too busy thinking things over to eat with much gusto.

Dean paused long enough to get a sentence out between mouthfuls. "So, we got two problems sitting out there in the car. What are we going to do about them?"

"I don't know. If only it was that simple… Cas, well, if we can't find an angel to help we'll probably have to look for somewhere for him to stay. Somewhere more secure with people in the know to watch over him, or maybe far out in the country where nobody's going to find him or come across any freaky stuff. As much as we'd like to cure him it's not going to be an easy fix, and taking care of the leviathans has to be our priority now". Every which way Sam looked at it there were problems.

"It's not going to be easy finding somewhere to put him, you know any local 'hunter hospitals'? Me neither, cuz there are none. We can't just dump him in the ass end of nowhere either. It'll take time to set something up, and we don't have the luxury of time… Maybe Frank will be able to help. He did a good enough job wiping us off the map. I'm sure hiding a crazy angel will be a piece of cake". Dean resumed his shovelling.

"As for Bobby, I guess we just have to wait and see. If he shows any signs of turning vengeful spirit we'll have to try and keep him on the straight and narrow". Sam really didn't want to start talking worst case scenario, but he was sure Dean was going to go there.

"Well I'm already picking up vengeful feelings for Dick, sure the guy killed him but this could be a slippery slope and I don't think we should be pushing him down it. If he loses it we're going to have to destroy the flask… I can put up with some crap, but so help me I couldn't see that happen to Bobby. I've already had to watch him die once, but to see him become one of the things he hunted and then have to kill him myself…" Dean actually put his fork down while he contemplated. "… and what if it all goes to plan. What if we off the leviathans and Bobby's ok. How long is he going to hang around for? Forever? Till we're dead and buried ourselves? Where does this end? However it ends I can't see it ending well".

"We'll jump off that bridge when we come to it. But for now, how are you planning on suggesting he sits out the fight with Dick? He's not going to take it lying down". Sam could already see the explosive argument ahead of them.

"Can't I jump off that bridge later too? Maybe we can accidentally on purpose leave the flask with Frank…"

Sam gave a wry smile. "He'd definitely go vengeful spirit then, only he'd be after us".

"Can't you talk to him? You're good with the talking and feelings crap". Dean gave Sam his best attempt at the puppy eyes. It was rather creepy.

"I think we should both talk to him… but alright, I'll try to prepare the ground". He gave Dean a serious look then. "And how about you?"

"What? I'm not a problem. I'm fine". Down came Dean's shutters.

"I just thought that with Cas back, and after everything with Bobby…" Sam tried coaxing Dean to open up. While they had a quiet moment together it was a perfect time to go over some of the crap Dean was storing up. Far better to release the pressure now than have him blow a gasket later. However Dean opening up was generally an event that coincided with a blue moon.

"Talking and feelings crap Sammy - you know I don't do it". Dean dropped his fork, threw some money down and stood to leave the diner. He was running away again… Sam despaired and then followed after him.

As they got back into the car Dean turned to Bobby and Cas. "What the hell? Cas? You're bleeding!"

Sam whipped round to find Castiel with blood streaming down his face and his hands clutching Bobby's flask tightly.

"Bobby got angry… I only wanted to keep it safe for you". Castiel sounded like a lost child. Slowly he offered the flask to Dean, holding it up as if returning a fallen sparrow to its nest.

Dean cautiously reached out to take the flask while Bobby roared. "The idjit did it to himself! Think I'd beat him and addle his brains even more? I never laid a finger on him!" Then Bobby fell silent realising that yelling wasn't exactly helping him argue against the 'Bobby got angry' statement, nor the vengeful spirit stereotype…

"Dean, why don't you sneak Cas into the bathroom and clean him up. I'll… you know, talk to Bobby". Dean quickly picked up on Sam's hint, placed the flask on the dash and bundled Cas out of the car.

Sam didn't know what to think. On one hand Cas probably was nuts enough to smash his own face in. On the other Bobby had seemed pretty angry, and this was exactly what they were worried about. "Look Bobby, I don't know what Cas-"

"I _didn't_ do it." Bobby hissed. "He was talking like Lucifer… there's something really wrong with him".

"Of course there's something wrong with him… he's crazy". Sam wanted to calm things down and bring the focus back to Bobby. "Bobby, if you've been feeling-"

"No I mean _really_ wrong. He tried to burn me away for God's sake! You need-" This time Sam interrupted Bobby.

"We think you should sit out the fight with Dick". Sam figured getting straight to the point would focus Bobby. Judging by the dumbfounded look on his face it had. "The level of rage you'd feel in facing him… it wouldn't be good for you".

"That monster killed me! You really think I'm going to sit twiddling my thumbs while you take him down?! I'm entitled to my revenge!" This really wasn't going the way Sam hoped…

"And is it really worth losing yourself? When the rage takes you over and you end up lashing out at everyone and everything… we'd have to put you down Bobby. Don't make us do that". His voice had started out strong, but it faded and broke towards the end. Sam didn't have the heart for arguing with Bobby. Not so soon after getting him back… They should be happy. They _were_ happy. But to have Bobby back like this felt like they had a time bomb on their hands. And Sam had learnt to expect the worst, happy endings weren't exactly a Winchester forte.

Bobby took a moment before replying. The anger seemed to drain away; it had left them both hollow. "I understand… this don't mean I'm going to sit on the bench mind. I know you're worried about me – but don't be. I got a handle on this".

Sam gave him a sad smile as they continued with their talking and feelings crap.

-oOo-

Luckily the diner was quiet. The waitress sat cross legged at the bar reading a trashy magazine and chewing gum like a cow with cud. She was oblivious to the bloody angel and his companion making their way to the bathroom. Their footsteps echoed around the tiled room as they entered, it was surprisingly large with a row of sinks and stalls. Not that Dean made a habit of judging bathroom décor but it gave the impression of a half finished ambition. What looked like gold plated tap fittings gave way to bodged, cheap, wooden stall doors, as if the money had run out halfway through. Time had added a layer of dinge to the whole affair, but somebody must have had high hopes for this place at some point. Too bad it hadn't worked out.

Dean propped Castiel against the wall by a sink and turned on the tap. It resisted at first but gave way with a piercing squeak that made Castiel start. The cold water against Dean's skin was soothing as he wetted a rag.

"Did Bobby hurt me?" Castiel seemed genuinely confused, still speaking in that innocent childlike way. "Why was Bobby angry with me?"

Dean didn't answer, in truth he couldn't answer. He wasn't exactly sure what happened in the car. Maybe Sam would get an idea from Bobby; Castiel was probably going to be less useful… He had said Bobby attacked him. Dean didn't want to believe it, but Bobby lashing out was a possibility, had he started to slip already?

Quietly Castiel asked his next question. "Did I do something wrong?"

_Oh Castiel, let me count the ways… consorting with Crowley, torturing and killing Eleanor Visyak, breaking Sam's wall, killing Balthazar, declaring yourself God, killing countless angels and humans, releasing the leviathans… _"No Cas, you're good".

Wringing out the rag Dean gently wiped at the blood on Castiel's face. The angel looked at him warily, as if unsure whether Dean would help or harm him but complying thanks to some obscure sense of trust.

"I want to go back to before. Before Bobby was angry, before you were angry. I know you are… wrath covers your skin, I can see it". Castiel pulled away with a hiss as Dean caught his split lip.

Putting the rag beneath the tap again Dean sighed "I'm not angry. I'm just tired of this endless crap… Now come here, stop being a baby".

As Dean put the rag to Castiel's face the angel whispered three words. "I'm sorry Dean".

"_Stop_ saying that!" Dean grabbed Castiel's t-shirt tightly in a fist. Did he even know what he was apologising for any more? Was it just an echo? The words a remnant of something drifting in Castiel's broken mind… Didn't he know Dean wouldn't answer? _Couldn't_ answer?

Castiel looked at him with wide eyes, his words came fast and disjointed. "I didn't mean to make you angry. It's my fault, all my fault. I shouldn't have done that, shouldn't have done those things… so many things. They're all wrong and I can't make them right. Can't fix what's broken… too many pieces, all scattered and lost like dust".

Dean dropped the rag in the sink to grab at Castiel's shirt with both hands. Now he was just worried he had broken the angel a little bit more. "Cas! Stop this! Please!"

"The least of the past is dust, and the dust is lost…" The wild stream of insanity became slower and quieter until Castiel was just left panting under Dean's fists. Dean let go and took a step back eyeing the angel guardedly. He was on the verge of apologising himself, but the words stuck in his throat.

After struggling for something meaningful to say Dean turned to practicalities. "Take your shirt off, put this on", he shoved a faded black t-shirt at Castiel. The angel didn't make a move. "Cas you've got blood all down your front, you have to change".

Slowly the angel started to fumble with the shirt; he didn't seem to be making much progress...

"Ok, put your arms in the air". Dean stepped forward to take the bottom of the shirt but Castiel shied away, pressing himself against the wall as if expecting a blow. Dean hesitated – had he really been that intimidating? – then he reached forward and lifted the hem a little. "Just helping, see?"

Reluctantly Castiel raised his arms and Dean pulled the t-shirt over his head. It reminded him of dressing Sammy when he was little. Sam always insisted on having a go, but his head would end up down an arm hole and Dean would have to come to the rescue. Dean smiled sadly; they were simpler times, more innocent times. Well, nothing had really been simple or innocent since the fire in Sam's nursery. But the main challenge in life hadn't been to stop the world ending, it had been teaching Sammy to tie his shoelaces.

-oOo-

Lucifer stood watch casually leaning against a wall. Castiel knew he was there of course, his presence was reflected all around the room in the tarnished bathroom mirrors. However he decided not to interfere… these two could torture each other in ways Lucifer never could. It was truly wonderful to behold.


	3. A Wounded Deer Leaps Highest

(Note: There's an awesome vid that ties into this. I watch/listen to certain vids for inspiration/motivation on some chapters, this one is When Angels Deserve to Die by AloraVideos, using the same song that inspired the fic title (surprise surprise, heh). Though fanfiction dot net isn't going to cooperate on embedding at the appropriate bit, nor linking it seems, so go to YouTube and stick this on the end of the URL to see it: watch?v=ziHe8MXzJ0k&feature=related :)

**Chapter 3 – A Wounded Deer Leaps Highest**

_A wounded deer leaps highest,  
I 've heard the hunter tell;  
_'_T is but the ecstasy of death,  
And then the brake is still_

After covering a few more miles they had to stop for gas. Dean did the honours and headed for the gas station to pay. Castiel's eyes followed him doggedly until Lucifer once again appeared in the driving seat.

"Things are going to get bloody" the devil said in an annoying sing song voice.

Castiel narrowed his eyes. "What do you mean?"

Sam and Bobby had become quite accustomed to Castiel's little chats with Lucifer by now, and so they politely ignored his questioning of the devil.

"You'll see…" Lucifer had a cruel spark of excitement in his eye as he looked at Castiel.

"Do _not_ hurt them!" The angel's first thought was for the Winchester's safety, but Lucifer held up a hand.

"I won't, cross my heart and hope to die". He traced a cross over his chest with a sly smirk. "But why keep a dog and bark yourself? Fate is smiling on me, the little minx".

"She is cruel and capri…" Castiel trailed off as he watched a truck pull up a few pumps down from them. The driver got out to fill up while a dark haired woman sat shotgun with four more burly men in the back. "Demons!" Castiel sat up straight, gripping the seat in front of him, fight or flight mode engaged.

"The people in that truck? Are you sure?" Sam didn't want to go throwing holy water over just anybody, especially when there was so many of them and they looked like they could snap him in half with little effort.

However Castiel didn't answer Sam, he was too busy listening to Lucifer. "Well? What are you waiting for brother? Go and smite them!"

"No… no… I can't". Castiel was torn in two. The demons needed to be dispatched but Lucifer was seeping through, little by little. With every use of his power the door opened wider and the devil's barbs hooked a little deeper. "It's not for you!"

Castiel was getting more and more wound up with indecision, wanting to act and being unable to act. The driver demon finished filling the truck and stepped towards the gas station. Lucifer turned to look at Castiel and gave him the full weight of his insidious voice. "Smite him Castiel. Smite him or that demon will walk in there and _slaughter_ Dean Winchester".

"Cas, calm down. We have weapons in the trunk, we can take care of this". Sam could see the angel trembling and feared he might do something stupid.

Each step of the demon amplified Castiel's anxiety until he was reduced to his base instinct, with only one thought going through his head… _must protect Dean Winchester, mustprotectDeanWinchester, mustprotectDeanprotectDeanpr otectDean_…

"Cas, sit tight, we got this. Stay there Cas, don't you… Cas! NO!" Sam reached for the angel but it was too late. He was already out of the car, haring across the forecourt and barrelling through the front door.

"Balls!" Bobby summed things up nicely.

-oOo-

Dean rolled his eyes and sighed, it felt like he'd been here an eternity. He was stuck behind an elderly couple bickering and counting out dollars. The cashier, his name tag reading 'Billy', looked as if he was losing patience too.

"Why didn't you bring more money with you? I haven't got enough George. Just pay with your card". The old lady was ferreting about in her purse to no avail.

"I haven't got one! I always pay with cold, hard cash… you know that." The man, who must have been George, waved his wallet about in an exasperated fashion.

"You said you were going to get one after that fiasco we had in the restaurant! This is Biggersons all over again!" She snapped her purse shut and scowled.

The bell above the door jingled heralding the arrival of another customer. Just a few moments later the door crashed open and Dean spun round to see Castiel flying through it. Before Dean had a chance to do or say anything Castiel ran straight into the man who just walked in and tackled him to the ground.

"Cas! What the hell are you doing!?" Furiously he pulled the angel off and started apologising. "Sorry dude, he didn't mean any harm, he's got problems upstairs you see…"

"Demon! He's a demon!" Castiel yelled and pointed as the demon's eyes flicked black as if to prove the point.

Dean cursed and pulled out the demon killing knife. But it clattered to the floor as he found himself flying through the air and crashing into a shelf filled with groceries.

George pushed his wife to one side and stood protectively in front of her while Billy clutched at a baseball bat. He couldn't have been more than twenty and looked far too terrified to use it.

The demon bent to retrieve the knife while Castiel rushed forward hoping to catch him off guard. It didn't work, the demon stood too swiftly and Castiel found himself impaled.

"Castiel? It is Castiel isn't it? We all thought you were dead. Crowley is going to be so pleased to see you". He seized the angel's t-shirt with one hand and pushed the knife a little further into Castiel's chest with the other. The angel wordlessly gasped, his eyes wide with shock and pain. "I have to say I was expecting more from an angel. I've had dogs give me more of a fight than this".

"Try this you sick puppy!" Dean had found his feet and some salt. It seemed there was an upside to being thrown at a grocery shelf. He grabbed the demon's head and poured it down his throat and into his eyes. The demon dropped Castiel and roared, clawing at his face. Dean took the opportunity to shove him out of the door, slam it shut, and salt the entrance.

"Everybody get salt! Pour it along the windows and doors! It'll keep you safe". Dean bellowed at the others as he rushed over to Castiel.

The cashier stood frozen, clinging to his baseball bat. George had already leapt into action. "Mabel? Is this salt? I haven't got my reading glasses on…"

Dean clapped his hands loudly at Billy. "Come on! This is not a drill! Salt, now!" Billy stuttered a suggestion about calling the cops which Dean quickly dismissed as he dropped to his knees by his angel's side.

Castiel was sitting up, his back against a shelf of candy, knife protruding from the left side of his chest. The brightly coloured wrappers behind him gave a wrong sense of glee to the grim scene. Short pained breaths came from the angel, his eyes searched around and then settled on Dean.

Dean's hands hovered over the knife, he didn't want to pull it and have Castiel bleed out. But that was the only weapon he had that would kill the demons… "Cas? If I pull this out, will you heal?"

Castiel's lips were pressed tight, but he managed a slight shake of the head.

"Shit… Ok, we need to get past those demons, get you to the ER…" Dean was trying to come up with a strategy. All he had to hand was salt and the knife, which currently had the business end stuck in Castiel. It looked like a bad wound, the angel's hand had found Dean's and was squeezing hard enough to break bones. Mabel came over and pressed some hankies into Dean's other hand, urging him to pack them around the knife to stem the bleeding. He took them with a word of thanks and cursed himself for fretting instead of acting. He wanted to _do something_, but his angel was bleeding on the floor and Sam and Bobby were stuck out there in the car… At least they had a trunk full of weapons.

"Take it…" Castiel managed to choke out, flecks of blood merging with his words.

"No Cas, I can't, if I pull it out you'll die before we can get you to a hospital. Just sit tight, and don't move". He placed Castiel's hand around the wound, instructing him to keep pressure on it. Then he got to his feet and eyed his fellow prisoners. He had been in tight spots before. This was nothing new. It was time to act.

The rest of the demons had got out of their truck and had started banging at the windows, yelling and taunting those inside. Still, George stepped forward eagerly, salt in hand. "All doors and windows salted Captain! Now what can we do to take down these bastards?"

"George, you're not taking down anybody, you can barely climb the stairs!" His wife scolded.

"Oh hush woman, I've fought before! I can fight again. Now who or what are these people?" The old fighting spirit seemed to have found George.

"Ok, I'm going to give it to you straight: They're demons. I haven't got time for the whole 'they don't exist' 'yes they do' routine. So you better believe they're real and they're outside waiting to kill us". Dean really hoped they weren't going to freak out on him.

"One battle is much the same as another, just put a weapon in my hand and point me at the enemy!" George shook the salt above his head eagerly.

Dean couldn't deny the old man had balls, but he didn't want to put any of them in harm's way. "No George, listen to your wife. No fighting. We need to get you guys out of here".

"But I'm a soldier! I was ready to die fighting back then and I'm ready to die fighting now!"

"Nobody's dying!" Dean managed before George got carried away again.

"We were all born to die, and better to go out fighting than in my sleep!" George was starting to turn a shade of red.

Dean decided to change tack. "Look soldier, we have women and children here. They need escorting to safety and I'm a man down. I need you to get them out of here". He gave a look to Billy and hoped he didn't object to being called a child… No problem there, he was still shaky and hugging the baseball bat like it was his last candle against the darkness.

"Right you are Captain. What's the plan?" George seemed to fall in line with that easily enough…

"Kid, you got a car out back?" Billy gave a quick nod. "Ok, George I'll cover you while you get these two to the car. Then kid, you better drive like the hounds of hell are chasing you, cuz they might well be".

-oOo-

Sam and Bobby watched the demons surround the gas station and start pounding at the windows.

"I don't think they realise we're here…" Sam had tried to duck as best he could to get out of sight but his large frame wasn't exactly inconspicuous. "I'm going to try getting the weapons from the trunk".

"They're going to see you the moment you get out the car. You think you can reach the weapons and fend off six demons?" Bobby's tone was just a bit incredulous. "I'll hold them off. I think I can fling them back if I concentrate enough".

"No Bobby, no fighting for you". Sam pointedly put the flask down on the dash. "Besides, Dean would kill me if he knew I let you fight".

"You're not _letting_ me do anything, you ain't my mother boy". Bobby scowled.

However Sam's attention was firmly on the demons now. Slowly and quietly he opened the car door and slid out. Stealthily making his way to the trunk Sam started grabbing what he could of the holy water flasks, guns and salt rounds. It was all going well until a car came driving full tilt from behind the garage, its wheels squealing as it sped off into the distance. The fleeing car drew the attention of the demons and once it was out of sight their eyes quickly settled on Sam. He swore quietly as a yell of "There's the other one!" reached his ears.

-oOo-

As Sam slipped out of the car Bobby muttered his usual "idjit" under his breath. The boy was going to get himself killed. Right now the demons were like a pack of wolves surrounding wounded prey. Their attention was wholly on the unfortunates in the gas station, but it would only take one wolf to look away and notice a moose skulking around in the trees…

Bobby knew the boys were just worried about him giving in to the anger should he have to fight. Heck, Bobby was worried about it himself. He didn't want to end up hurting anybody… anybody who didn't deserve it anyway. But when they were between a rock and a hard place Bobby would always put himself on the line to save the Winchesters. They were like his very own, and despite their occasional moments of idiocy he would be proud to call them his own.

Sparing a glance at the flask on the dash Bobby started wondering how far away from it he could get. He hadn't experimented with distance yet, he hadn't really needed to. Sam left it there with the intention of keeping Bobby in the car. But surely he could make it outside, get round to the trunk, and stand in front of Sam. It was hardly leaping the Grand Canyon now. A shout of "there's the other one!" rent the air and the time for wondering was over. Bobby focussed outside on the spot he wanted to go to and suddenly he faced six demons charging at him. He could feel the pull of the flask, a magnetic force trying to draw him back, but at this distance it was weak. It was easily ignored. The demons stopped as Bobby raised his hands and concentrated on tapping into his ghost powers.

-oOo-

Sam shot a couple of rounds as the demons came at him, but they were closing fast. Taking out a flask of holy water Sam almost dropped it as Bobby materialised in front of him. Bobby raised his hands and the demons stopped in their tracks, seemingly as taken aback as Sam was. Sam could only see Bobby's shoulders beginning to shake with the effort, but he could imagine the strained look on Bobby's face, his brows knit with exertion, his eyes squeezed shut in concentration.

"Bobby don't do this, get back in the car!" Sam's pleas were too late. It all happened so fast. The demons flew backwards and hit the asphalt hard. Bobby seemed to fizzle out and blow away with the wind. But there was no time to worry about him; the demons wouldn't stay down for long.

As soon as the demons fell back Dean came flying out of the gas station yelling "Sammy! Weapons! Quickly!"

"Where's the knife? I thought you had the knife!" Sam tossed him a shotgun, but since losing the colt the knife was the only sure way to kill these things.

"I do… I did, Cas got stabbed with it. I can't take it out cuz he won't heal. We need to get the hell out of here". Dean gave the nearest demon a face full of rock salt. "Can't take them down permanently, but we just need them down long enough to get Cas to the car. Watch my back".

"Always". With a gun in one hand and a flask of holy water in the other Sam followed his brother.

The rest of the demons were now finding their feet. As Sam shot at one another two went to tackle Dean. His brother took a shot at demon number one but the other landed a solid punch to Dean's face. It was the demon he had thrown out of the gas station earlier. "Real protective of that angel ain't ya? Shame he can't return the favour…"

-oOo-

Castiel was drifting… pain was a constant companion that numbed his mind. He found the further he drifted the lighter his cares became, and so he didn't mind it, this welcoming darkness. However it was shattered by heavy boots approaching and a rough hand against his cheek.

"Cas, wake up." The hand tapped him lightly. He gave no response, trying to burrow back into the darkness. The hand tapped harder. "Come on Cas, I know you're not dead yet you son of bitch. Wake up".

Reluctantly cracking his eyelids open a little Castiel gradually came to awareness. The world was too bright, the pain now too sharp. But Dean crouched in front of him, somehow making it all bearable. "There we go. Cas, you with me?" A slight nod of the head. "Good. I'm going to run to the car, pick up some weapons, and I'll be right back for you ok?"

Dean made it sound like he was going for a stroll in the park, but Castiel was sure it wouldn't be that easy. There had been no mention of the half dozen demons out there for starters. But before Castiel had a chance to object Dean was up and out of the door.

It was tempting to sink back into the darkness. Shadows played at the edge of Castiel's vision, threatening to pull him under. He didn't want to resist. But then sounds of fighting filtered through the door. The need to protect Dean kicked in. With slow, agonising movements Castiel managed to get his feet under him and head for the door. Hearing Dean shout out gave the angel a sense of urgency, he tried to hurry, leaning against the shelves for support as his shaking legs betrayed him. Putting one foot in front of the other had never been so hard, but he reached the door and clutched at the frame, heart jumping at the sight before him.

Dean was on the ground, a demon straddling him and strangling the life out of him. Castiel didn't hesitate; he took a few unsteady steps forward and put his hand to the hilt of the knife in his chest. He knew this would probably kill him, but he had always been willing to die for the Winchesters. Maybe in this final act of sacrifice Dean would find it in his heart to forgive Castiel.

With a firm pull the jagged length of the knife came free and Castiel's vision danced with the pain of it. He flashed back to a barn; the same knife plunged into him by a different hand. _A casual glance down, then he drew the knife out and cast it aside with little effort._ If only it was that easy now. As the knife arced out and away from his body a spray of blood followed it. More blood ran down his front and his breathing suddenly became more difficult. Castiel managed a shout to Dean, though it was more a breathless gasp, before throwing the knife towards him. The angel's legs gave out, and he fell gracelessly to the ground.

Rolling onto his back Castiel looked up at the sky, it was a perfect blue. The asphalt was hard under him and pain clawed at his every nerve, but he stared at that sky with a detached calm. Shouts and screams and sounds of battle reached Castiel, but they died away as the sound of his own slowing heartbeat got ever louder in his ears. Castiel's words from the barn came back to him… "_Good things do happen Dean_". He was so sure, so certain. "_Not in my experience_" Dean had replied. Castiel had thought it the hopelessness of a faithless man. Now he had walked the earth… he had walked the earth as a human, as an angel, and as a God. He knew now, good things did not happen.

The sun was high in the sky giving a mocking brightness to Castiel's end. Then _he_ stepped forward. Lucifer's head blocked the light, sending the rays cascading around him. It gave a perverse halo to the Light Bearer.

The weight of his voice was steady and relentless. "Your world is getting smaller Castiel; the walls of a tomb are closing about you. It's getting colder isn't it? The feel of frost is settling over your limbs. You never really appreciated how sweet it was to breathe the air. You never needed to. But now your lungs are straining, your heart is slowing. This body is dying all around you. This is what it is to die, _really_ die, a slow human death".

The sound of heavy boots heralded Dean's arrival once again. "Cas, you stupid son of a bitch. What did you go and do that for?"

Hands pressed down on Castiel's wound, he gasped and managed to choke out "m'sorry Dean" between bloody lips.

"Didn't I already tell you to stop saying that?" There was more sadness than anger in Dean's voice this time, but Castiel could detect no hint of forgiveness.

The dark figure's inescapable voice cut in again. "This sacrificial defiance is admirable, I like that you would rather die than let me win. But know this as it all fades to black: You will leave him alone to the world unguarded".

Lucifer turned his threatening gaze on Dean while Dean looked down at Castiel with pleading eyes. "Heal Cas, come on, I know you can do it". Dean tapped his face again, trying to keep his attention. Castiel hadn't even noticed his eyes shutting. "What happened to earning redemption? You think this is earning redemption huh? You can't just throw yourself under a bus and make everything alright. The world doesn't work that way. Heal yourself dammit!"

How did the world work then? Good things didn't happen, lives were spent for nothing. There was no rule book… they threw out the rule book. The world didn't work. God had abandoned it… the world was broken.

Lucifer's voice broke through Castiel's reeling mind. "Heal your vessel Castiel, before it is too far gone. As much as I enjoy your suffering you are not meant to die here. There is only one way this ends". With that he stepped out of sight and Castiel was momentarily blinded by the brightness of the sun.

He didn't know which voice it was he listened to, but Castiel called forth his grace and slowly tissue started knitting back together. Grace flowed through his flesh, fixing all it touched, until suddenly the warm glow turned cold. Sharp claws tore into Castiel's grace. He tried to pull it back and protect it, hide it, but the barbs went too deep. Castiel gasped, he felt smothered. His lungs were repaired but he still couldn't breathe. The angel started to panic, and then his vessel blessedly took a deep breath… a breath he hadn't asked it to._ Goodnight Castiel_. Then darkness.

-oOo-

Dean pulled him to his feet and clapped a steadying hand on his shoulder. He was carefully guided to the car around fallen demon carcasses. Once inside he focussed on this new level of consciousness, this new control. The frantic exchanges between Sam and Dean were filtered out. He raised his hands in front of his face and slowly clenched and unclenched his fists.

Then the brothers got in. Before pulling off Dean turned to Castiel as if to give him a once over. Seemingly satisfied he gave a reassuring nod and turned back to put the car in gear. He didn't know. How could he know? Lucifer smiled inwardly, he had grace at his disposal again. The devil dug further into Castiel's grace, winding around it, making it his own.

As the gas station got further and further away Dean put on the radio. Frenzied guitars drowned the car out giving way to… _I don't think you trust in my self righteous suicide_…

"Hush Castiel, don't struggle".

_I cry… when angels deserve to die._

"Struggling won't help".

_Father! Father!_

"I have you now".

_Father into your hands, I commend my spirit…_

"I once gave you the chance to join me willingly, and now here we are. It is almost as if this was meant to be…"

_Father into your hands, why have you forsaken me?_

"With your help I will walk the earth again. Hush Castiel, please don't fight me".

_In your eyes, forsaken me…_

"You may think me the lowest of the low, but your own hands are stained with so much blood…"

_In your thoughts, forsaken me…_

"Our Father left a long time ago. You sought to take his place, you tried to fix this broken world, fix it in the way you saw fit… and how many died?"

_In your heart, forsaken me…_

"You thought you locked me away. You thought you locked up a monster. Castiel, don't you see what I am doing? I will fix the world; I am locking away the real monster… _you_ are the monster Castiel. Did not the Winchesters themselves order Death to kill you? I sit behind bars but you should be the one locked in a cage like the monster you are".

_Why cry, when angels deserve to die?_

Lucifer looked across at Castiel, bound and gagged, the hallucinatory observer of his own body. His wide blue eyes spoke of sheer panic. "Hush Castiel… it will all be over soon".


	4. A Prison Gets to be a Friend

(Note: When I first heard "The Noose" I thought the song fit Castiel perfectly. I have no vidding skills whatsoever so I made a request and limabetaed took up the challenge. The resulting vid turned out better than I could have ever imagined, it breaks my heart every time I watch it. Pop this on the end of the YouTube address to see: watch?v=-DyNNeiuJX0 )**  
**

**Chapter 4 – A Prison Gets to be a Friend**

_As this Phantasm Steel—  
Whose features—Day and Night—  
Are present to us—as Our Own—  
And as escapeless—quite—_

Castiel struggled at first. He felt his own grace burning him with Lucifer's taint, but despite the pain he tore at it. Furiously Castiel ripped into the alien barbs, but they wouldn't break away, and then under the weight of Lucifer's words and his own guilt he ceased resisting.

Softer guitars played out over the radio as they drove through the night. Sam was fast asleep and Dean's eyes were fixed intently on the road. Castiel watched his eyes in the mirror, he could only watch now. Lucifer was wrapped tightly around his core, learning, feeling, flexing his wings… but Castiel was too wrapped up in his own guilt now. The slightly crackly voice over the radio seemed to taunt him.

_So glad to see you well, overcome and completely silent now_

Outside the hospital Dean had seemed pleased to see him, said he had come back to fix it… Dean had just begged him to heal. But he would not forgive.

_With heaven's help you cast your demons out_

Castiel rationalised his actions, he thought he had saved the world from Raphael. Then he went about trying to fix it, trying to make thing as they should be… smite the sinners, reward the righteous.

_And not to pull your halo down around your neck and tug you off your cloud… _

Where did it all go so wrong? How did his good intentions lead to blood in the streets and the ashes of angel wings across the grass? In truth he couldn't entirely blame the leviathans… he started to walk a dark path before the leviathans. Eleanor, Sam, Balthazar…

_But I'm more than just a little curious how you're planning to go about making your amends… _

He wanted to redeem himself. To the world, to Dean… but what could he do? How could he make things right? How could he pay penance for the blood on his hands?

_To the dead _

Eleanor, Sam, Balthazar… the nameless hundreds and thousands. There was so much blood. Too much blood.

_Recall the deeds as if they're all someone else's atrocious stories _

When he remembered, when Emmanuel ceased to be and Castiel returned, there was a moment when he was neither one nor the other. He was watching somebody else do those terrible things. Then they were suddenly his actions. He felt sickened, the weight of it crushing him, he wanted to run, to die… But Dean came after him.

_Now you stand reborn before us all so glad to see you_ _well _

Dean gave Castiel his trenchcoat, said he did the best he could at the time. But before… Dean's defiance, his hostility, the breaking of trust between them. That was more real. The truth of the matter was that Sam was dying and Dean needed Castiel to heal his brother. Dean would have said anything to make him stay. That moment was a lie, the moment Dean led him to believe fixing things was possible.

_And not to pull your halo down around your neck and tug you to the ground…_

Dean wouldn't forgive him. After all the torture and all the slaughter how could he?

_But I'm more than just a little curious how you're planning to go about making your amends… _

Sorry was an inadequate word and Castiel could spend an eternity doing deeds to earn redemption... but it wouldn't be enough. It would never be enough. He couldn't make amends to the world for its suffering. He couldn't rebuild the trust he had with Dean.

_To the dead_

Trust sat like a fragile bird in the palm of his hand and Castiel had crushed it. Bodies of the dead were piled high at his feet, friends and foes alike. Castiel was unforgiveable.

_With your halo slipping down to choke you now_

And so with the knowledge that redemption was out of reach and Dean's forgiveness was nothing more than a pale illusion, Castiel welcomed the burn of Lucifer's shards. He deserved torment. The fight left Castiel as the devil's suffocating presence took over.

-oOo-

Dean had been glaring at the road ahead with frustration. He hated this. Why couldn't things be simple? When Castiel had been stabbed and was lying on the floor bleeding out his heart rebelled at the idea of the angel dying. He didn't want Castiel to die, he wanted him here. But Dean couldn't look at him for long without seeing the image of his angel stood before them spattered in other people's blood… innocent's blood.

The conflicted feelings were driving him mad. He wanted Castiel… he couldn't stand Castiel. What did he really want? Dean thought and sadly answered that he wanted Castiel as he was before. Before the slaughter, before the madness. He wanted Castiel strong and virtuous once again. He wanted to undo all the bad that had happened between them. But it couldn't be undone. They had to make do with what they had. Currently that was a broken angel determined to make amends by any means possible, including his own death.

Dean had meant what he said. Castiel couldn't earn redemption with a heroic moment of self sacrifice. His penance was not a short sprint and a quick end; it was going to be a marathon, one that started with taking on Sam's hell trauma. Where the finish line was, who knew? But he was sure they would eventually reach it. In the meantime every "I'm sorry" from Castiel's lips felt like nails on a chalkboard to Dean. Two words couldn't fix what Castiel had done; they couldn't make up for hurting Sam.

Glancing at Castiel in the rear view mirror gave Dean a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. The angel was staring straight back at him. That in itself was nothing unusual, Castiel did a lot of staring, but something felt wrong… Then Dean's phone buzzed in his pocket with a text message. Coordinates from Frank. Finally they were getting somewhere and Dean had something to take his mind off his battling thoughts. After consulting a map the coordinates seemed to point to an old plant of some sort a couple of miles away. Dean put his foot down and tried to shake the sensation of his skin crawling. The angel's eyes were on him still.

-oOo-

As they were nearing the plant Bobby suddenly materialised in the back of the car. It swerved wildly as Dean startled and shouted a stream of expletives. Sam shot up from his seat and Castiel merely turned to look at Bobby with narrowed eyes.

"Glad to see you boys made it out of there in one piece". Bobby said in far too casual a manner. Dean still looked like… well, like he'd seen a ghost.

Sam turned in his seat to lay his eyes on Bobby. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I am now. Just took a while to recharge. Felt like I bench pressed a truck back there".

"Bobby, what the hell was that?!" Dean had found his voice, and it was an angry one.

"Demons attacked and I held them off. What are they going to do? Kill me again?" Bobby's hackles were starting to rise.

"No but if you lose it you'll end up being the one doing the killing!"

"I was protecting Sam, I thought you of all people would understand that boy. Would you rather I sit back and let him get pummelled?"

"Of course not, but you can't keep doing this Bobby. It's a slippery slope and I won't let you go down it. So help me, I'll stash the flask in a lockup somewhere if I have to".

"You do that and you _will_ have a vengeful spirit on your hands. Anyway, what's done is done, where are we at now?" Bobby was tiring of butting heads with Dean and had noticed they were pulling off the main road.

With Dean quietly fuming at the wheel Sam stepped in to answer. "Frank sent us these coordinates to meet up at. Think this is the kind of place where he'd hole up?"

A disused plant loomed in the distance. It was a collection of buildings and chimneys gone to wrack and ruin. Bobby considered it and shrugged. "Well it's a bit grand for Frank if you ask me. He likes his nooks and crannies, but who knows. He's not exactly the most predictable of men".

Dust flew around the car as it pulled up and came to a halt. The cooling engine gave out comforting ticks as they sat looking up at the nearest concrete structure. There was something imposing and unsettling about the place. It looked like typical horror film fare. Shadows stretched out concealing everything terrible a vivid imagination could come up with. Unfortunately experience had taught them imagination often wasn't needed. The creatures they knew about could leap from the shadows and eviscerate you before you got a good look at them. But here they expected nothing, the shadows were just shadows. Unless Frank was lurking in one… and they wouldn't put it past him to do just that.

"Ok, I'll do a quick sweep. Sam you stop here" _Babysit Bobby and Cas_ was left unsaid. Dean pulled out and checked his gun with a metallic click. "I'll check in with you in ten, or when I find him".

Dean slammed the car door shut and stalked off towards the first building. He looked small against its large concrete front. The huge folding doors were a faded, flaking red and half hanging away from the building. At least Dean would have no trouble getting in. Bobby half expected him to come out and say he'd found a drugs den or something. It looked the sort of place perfect for illicit activities to carry on.

Watching Dean disappear inside the building Bobby became distracted by a strange pulling feeling. It had started out faint and barely there but was getting stronger and stronger by the minute. Suddenly he realised where he'd felt it before. "Sam, where's the-"

"-flask?" The faux-leather surroundings of their old, beat up car melted away and Bobby found himself face to face with Dean on a metal staircase. Dean's gun flew up to point between Bobby's eyes and he staggered back a couple of steps. His feet sent a loud metal clanging echoing around the building.

"Fuck! Bobby!" Dean lowered the gun and put a hand to his chest "How many times?!"

"You've got my flask in your pocket idjit! I couldn't help it; I was snapped over here like an elastic band".

Dean's hand wandered to his pocket. Sheepishly he pulled out Bobby's flask, its surface seemed dull in the half light. "Sorry… swore I left it with Sam back there".

"Yeah well you didn't, and now I'm here I might as well help you scout the place. Don't worry, if anyone attacks I'll go hide under a table like a good boy". Bobby rolled his eyes and set off.

The stairs led to an office room. Desks and filing cabinets thick in dust surrounded them. Bobby wandered over to a calendar pinned on the wall. Most of it had faded, but he could just make out it had been left on August. A birthday cake had been drawn on one of the days. Faded like everything else, the colours were long gone.

Dean picked up a photo frame and wiped the dust off to reveal a lady with two smiling kids. Some office Joe's reason to get through the day… Bobby idly wondered if the birthday had been a happy one, what with this place looking as if it had gone under. Dean placed the photo back on the desk, standing it up this time, and wiped his hands off on his jeans. "Well I don't think we're going to find Frank in here. Let's get back downstairs".

As they moved off a tinny version of Smoke on the Water rang out from Dean's phone. He picked up to hear Frank's impatient voice "Where the hell are you guys?!"

"What do you mean 'where the hell are we'? Where the hell are you?" Dean yelled back.

Frank ploughed on "Do you know how long I've been waiting? I'm not your girlfriend, I'm not waiting around to be stood up Dean. You get your asses over here right now. I shouldn't even be calling you, they've probably traced this already. I need to go!"

"Woah woah Frank, we're here, we just can't find you. You've set yourself up in one hell of a maze dude. Which building are you in?"

"Which building? I'm in a caravan in the middle of these woods like I told you in the first place…"

"No… no Frank, you sent us some coordinates not an hour ago. Said you'd moved and set up here. We're at an abandoned plant". A hint of desperation had crept into Dean's voice.

"Well I didn't send them. Looks like you've been played. The levis have set a nice trap for you and you've walked straight into it. Get out of there! And if you don't make it, it's been real nice knowing you Dean".

"Frank? Frank!" It was no use, he'd hung up. Dean shoved the phone back in his pocket. "Shit! We need to go. _Now_."

"Yeah, I heard. I knew this place was too grand for Frank… but if this is a trap, they're being awful quiet about it. Why haven't they jumped us by now?"

"I don't care, Frank's not here and somebody sent us those coordinates. Somebody wanted us here. So let's just go". They headed for the stairs, footsteps clanging out a cacophony as Dean flew down them.

-oOo-

When Bobby disappeared Sam quickly figured out what had happened. He just hoped the sudden appearance of Bobby by Dean's side wouldn't scare him too badly. Sam looked back and gave a small smile to Castiel. He had been terribly quiet since the gas station. Perhaps that was good news… perhaps it meant Lucifer was leaving him alone.

Castiel just gave a cold hard stare in return. Sam hadn't expected a beaming grin, but there was something deeply wrong… "Hey Cas? You okay?" No reply of course, but as Sam looked into Castiel's eyes a strange feeling crept up his spine. Run. Flee. Danger. "Um… I'm just going to grab a few things from the trunk. I'll only be a minute".

A half smile graced Castiel's cracked lips as Sam got out of the car.

Opening up the trunk Sam busied himself with the weapons, pocketing some holy water and running his hands over the guns. Had he just run away from Cas? Had he fled like a coward from their friend? Or former friend… There was just something unsettling about him. Bobby's words from earlier ran around Sam's head… _He was talking like Lucifer, there's something really wrong with him_… Talking like Lucifer. That was it. Sam felt like he had been staring into the eyes of the devil. He shook his head and banged his hand hard against the car. Lucifer was Castiel's hallucination. He wasn't there, he wasn't real. Lucifer was safely locked up in the cage.

Then the car dipped alarmingly before him. Sam slammed the trunk shut after grabbing a shotgun and he stepped back. There stood Castiel on the roof, a baleful glare on his face, and wings stretched wide against the sky. Black feathers merged into the black of night. He was far from the broken trammelled creature they had liberated from the hospital. Castiel stood before Sam like Gabriel stood before the shepherds. But he did not bring good news, he felt dangerous. Castiel was glorious in his own terrible way, an Angel of Destruction… an Angel of Death in a torn AC/DC t-shirt.

"Ca… Castiel?" Sam asked tentatively. He felt almost like he was sinning by merely speaking in the angel's presence.

"You know me. I am not Castiel". He spoke with Castiel's voice, but Sam knew now, his worst fears had come to pass…

"Lucifer. You're Lucifer". The name was said with an air of inevitability and hopelessness.

"Long time no see Sammy. I hope you have been well in my absence" he cocked Castiel's head on one side. It was so familiar and wrong. "I have had to commandeer Castiel for the time being, but don't be jealous. We'll be together again very soon".

The angel flexed his wings as if trying them out. Sam noticed a few long dark feathers fall to the ground. Then Lucifer took a step forward, Sam didn't hesitate, he raised the shotgun and squeezed the trigger. Lucifer didn't even blink, he casually raised a hand and the shotgun was torn from Sam and flung to one side.

Lucifer launched himself into the air with a powerful beat of Castiel's wings. The air battered Sam before he fell back; a heavy boot hit him square in the chest, pushing him down to the ground. Sam writhed beneath Lucifer's foot, seeking a way out, but he was pinned. He quickly stilled when Lucifer bent down, crouching to bring his face inches from Sam's.

"You cannot escape me Sam. We are too bound to each other by now. After all that time in hell you thought you could leave untouched? I gave a part of myself to you Sam. I buried it deep in your soul and you gave it away to Castiel. Don't worry, I'm not hurt, I'm not offended. In fact this is a fortuitous turn of events. Castiel's grace will make opening the cage much easier, and once I am truly free we can walk the earth together again".

Lucifer hooded his wings around Sam like a hawk protecting its prey. More feathers fell, one landing across Sam's face. Slowly Lucifer brushed it away. "Our time together here was so short before. This time we will have a long and glorious reign on earth. We will make it beautiful again… once the screams of humanity have died away". He gripped Sam's jaw painfully hard. "I've missed you Sam".

And with a rush of wings they were gone.

-oOo-

"Something ain't right here Dean. If this is the leviathans where are they? They're not exactly the shy type…" Bobby followed close behind Dean as he ran for the door.

"Who else is going to fake coordinates from Frank to get us out here?"

"Who ain't might be a better question. You're not well liked by most of the supernatural things out there. Could be demons, angels… now angels have the juice and the smarts for this sort of thing. They've faked calls before haven't they?"

"Yeah but we haven't had trouble with them in a while. What would angels wan… Cas. If it's angels they must be after Cas. Shit". Dean moved faster to the door.

Pushing his way through the door out into the night Dean came to a standstill. "Cas? What the fuck?" He was confronted by the sight of Castiel standing on top of their car, his wings out and spread wide in a threatening fashion.

Without warning the angel flapped his great wings and took to the air. He flew straight at Sam, flaring his wings to slow, and swinging his leg forward to strike Sam in the chest. They both went down to the ground. Dean started running forward again; he couldn't see anything beyond the wall of black feathers.

"Sam! Cas!" Just as Dean reached them they disappeared. With a yell of frustration he kicked at the thin air they left behind. "Where the hell have they gone?!"

"I tried telling you there was something wrong with Cas! Looks like Lucifer's in the driving seat again… We'll get them back Dean". Bobby put a reassuring hand on Dean's shoulder, quietly praying that they would get them back in one piece.

-oOo-

Lucifer stood in the middle of Stull Cemetery with Sam's unconscious body at his feet. Knowing a Winchester had been hurt seemed to give Castiel the impetus to push back against Lucifer.

"Leave them be". Castiel might as well have been pushing against an avalanche.

"I need Sam. I need a vessel once I'm free… And is that all you care for Castiel? The world can burn as long as the Winchesters remain unscathed? How little you've changed. You can stop protecting them now. They don't need your protection and you are not fit to give it. You nearly killed them; you nearly set the world alight. What? Had you forgotten so soon? They need protecting _from_ you Castiel. We all do". The devil smiled, feeling a wave of guilt and grief wash away Castiel's spark of defiance.

Lucifer raised his hands, and the earth seemed to shudder as he continued. "You are a monster Castiel, and I have come to put you where you belong, in a cage".


	5. Each Scar I'll Keep for Him

**When Angels Deserve to Die**

**Chapter 5 – Each Scar I'll Keep for Him**

_But every Tear I bore  
Were He to count them o'er  
His own would fall so more_

After some frantic calls to Frank they had managed to track the GPS on Sam's phone and discover he was at Stull Cemetery. Dean and Bobby were back in the car flying down the road at speeds that would get them pulled over if a cop came by.

"Stull Cemetery… He's going to open the damn cage. Why else would he go there? Cas is out of his mind!"

"I think it's more a case of Lucifer being in it" Bobby commented wryly. "What are you planning on doing anyway? You haven't got anything that can take down Lucifer".

"He's not Lucifer, he's Castiel". Dean insisted stubbornly.

"Okay, you've got nothing that can take down Castiel either".

"I won't need to take him down. I just need to talk to him".

"Dean that's being awful naïve… it might have worked with Sam but you shouldn't count on it working with Cas. It would take a great deal of luck, and we ain't the lucky type". Bobby really wasn't sold on the idea. "You got any holy oil left? We should at least make some Molotovs".

"I'm not being naïve Bobby. There's something I need to say to him… there's something he needs to hear".

-oOo-

Dean was trying to stay strong in front of Bobby, but underneath he was starting to break apart. It seemed only yesterday he was making the same run to Stull Cemetery _"I ain't gonna let him die alone" _ringing in his ears. This time both Sam and Castiel's lives were on the line. Dean cursed himself and his own stupidity. Why didn't he listen to Bobby? How could he not have seen what Castiel was becoming? _You didn't see it with Sam either…_ a quiet voice answered. Did they hide it too well or was he too blind?

Putting his foot down and stretching the car to its limits Dean was worried they wouldn't make it in time. He could only hope that opening the cage was a bit more complicated without the rings. And he could only hope that he would be able to get through to Castiel. Something had gone wrong in the angel's head. Lucifer wasn't really there… he couldn't be, Lucifer was in the cage. Dean prayed his own influence was stronger than whatever hell borne phantom had taken over Castiel's mind.

Finally they neared Stull Cemetery, it was easy to find. The twilight sky had lightened, but a gathering darkness drew heavy clouds to one particular spot. The closer they got the louder the wind roared. It almost seemed to be warning them away. There was no big entrance this time, no Rock of Ages, no smart mouth comments. Dean simply pulled up and told Bobby to stop in the car. But he knew Bobby wouldn't stay put.

"If you absolutely must get out of the car then check on Sammy, get him out if you can. I'll take care of Cas". Instead of placing the flask on the dash Dean tossed it to Bobby. That small action saying so much… he was going to trust Bobby to do the right thing.

Taking a deep breath Dean strode towards the gate, passing through the rusted wrought iron like a man condemned. Flashes of Dean's last time here assaulted his senses… Castiel disintegrated, Bobby's neck broken… Castiel stood before him now. The angel's wings were folded at his back, though his arms were stretched high to the sky, palms facing outward as if to contain the storm before him. A tornado of whirling air hit the ground at his feet; Sam lay unmoving mere inches away. Seeing his brother a cold hand gripped at Dean's heart. The wind tousled Sam's long hair but Dean was too far away to detect a rising chest or any other sign of life. He needed to get over there, he needed to stop this.

"Cas! Stop what you're doing!" Dean yelled, but he got no reaction from the angel. "Cas! Listen to me! Turn around and face me dammit!"

Still nothing. The angel closed his hands to fists and a lightning bolt shot down to strike the ground at his feet. The earth trembled in reply. It was far too close to Sam for Dean's liking. He couldn't help himself, his legs seemed to move of their own accord. Dean ran toward Sam, making to drag him away from the roiling storm. Before he could reach his brother Dean found himself flying through the air. His back hit a headstone hard, the air rushed out of his lungs. Dean gasped and pushed himself to his feet only to find himself face to face with Castiel. It seemed he had got the angel's attention at last.

"Cas… please… I know you're in there, you can stop this-" Dean was cut off as the angel's hand shot out to close around his throat.

"We've been here before Dean. This time I'll be sure to finish the job". Castiel's fist pulled back to punch Dean across the face. Again and again his fist connected with flesh, blood sprayed and poured from Dean's nose and lips. Castiel held Dean up by the front of his jacket and let go for one final punch. For a moment Dean flashed back to Sammy's fist flying towards him. Dean's ragged frame fell backwards, the momentum rolling him across the grass as he hit the ground. He lay still for a moment, trying to ignore the pain and gather his senses.

Snatches of conversation came back to Dean as his head spun… _"Sammy, are you in there?"… "He's going to feel the snap of your bones"… "It's ok, I'm here, I'm not going to leave you"_… Slowly Dean pushed himself to his knees. Castiel stood before him, without thinking Dean reached a hand out and clutched at the leg of the angel's jeans. He looked up to meet those cold, hard eyes.

"I forgive you". It was said in the same reassuring yet broken voice he had spoken to Sam with.

No spark came back to Castiel's eyes… there was no moment of awakening.

"I forgive you Cas" Dean's fist twisted in the angel's jeans. "You hear me? I forgive you…"

Castiel took Dean's wrist and pulled away his hand forcefully. Then bending to meet Dean's eyes he smiled "You can take your forgiveness and shove it up your ass".

The angel straightened and brushed off his hands as if touching Dean had sullied them. "Crude way of putting it, but using your own turn of phrase seemed fitting. How fortunate we are that the great Dean Winchester has deigned to give us his forgiveness". He spat at Dean's feet. "I neither want nor need your forgiveness".

With mock confusion he went on. "Oh, but it's for Castiel? Well Castiel knows your forgiveness is false. You say what you have to to get what you need. We can see absolution does not dwell in your heart. Your tongue betrays you by saying it. In any case, forgiving him won't stop this. Nothing can stop this".

With both hands the angel grabbed Dean's jacket and pulled him up until his feet left the ground. Then Castiel threw Dean backwards. He hit a tree, hard. Pain exploded along Dean's back, the air left his lungs once again as he hit the dirt. Shakily he got to his hands and knees and looked up to find that Castiel had returned to the edge of the storm. Another lightning bolt lit up the sky. As the ground shook the eye of the storm seemed to give way, dirt and grass falling to create the beginning of a slathering maw to the cage.

Something inside Dean cracked… He hadn't got through to Castiel. Every time his angel said sorry Dean had said no when he meant not now… had Castiel given up? There was no time. The cage was opening. He had to do something.

Dean pulled out his gun and levelled it at Castiel. The angel had his wings stretched wide now. But there was something wrong with them… more feathers had fallen and they glistened with an oozing putrescence. Once imposing and mighty they now seemed ruined.

"Stop this, or I'll shoot". Dean cocked the pistol.

The angel laughed. "No you won't".

A loud crack rent the air as a bullet drove into Castiel's knee. He dropped down onto it hard but made no sound. The angel only bowed his head momentarily before turning to Dean with a look of pure wrath. He got to his feet, seemingly uninjured, and stalked towards Dean. Raising the pistol Dean took another shot at Castiel, the bullet hit the angel's shoulder but he kept on coming despite the blood pouring down the front of his dirty t-shirt. Dean didn't get a chance at another shot. Castiel knocked him to the ground with a vicious blow to the head.

"Your time has run out Dean. I was keeping you alive. I wanted you to see… I wanted you to witness me free from my chains claiming your brother. You should have been able to see me walk in his skin one last time. You would have enjoyed watching as I cast your precious Castiel into the cage, shackling him like the monster he is. But now you won't get to see anything because you'll be dead".

The angel drew his fist back ready to launch a blow, but then he paused and spoke thoughtfully. "Unless… I could throw you down into the pit along with your beloved angel. It would be a fitting end to return Michael's sword to Michael. You will endure an eternity of torment together…"

Dean found himself being dragged along the ground toward the unearthly whirlwind. The angel's every step jarred his injuries; pain spiked up Dean's back, his face felt a mess. Then he was unceremoniously dumped next to Sam. Dean rolled over to face his brother as Castiel turned his attention back to opening the cage.

"Sammy… wake up. Please Sammy, I need you to open your eyes. Get up". Dean's voice was wrecked; he hardly recognised it as his own. The words were choked out from between bloody lips and loose teeth. Sam didn't hear them, he remained motionless, but at least Dean could see his brother's chest move with each shallow breath.

"Sam can't help you now". Sweat ran in rivulets down the angel's face. His eyes were alight with excitement but the effort of opening the cage seemed to be draining him. A shudder ran through Castiel, shaking his wings and loosing more feathers. The great limbs dropped low, brushing the ground, as the angel's complexion turned a little greyer. Then reaching down Castiel pulled Dean up by the front of his jacket and held him on the threshold of the tornado. "Give my regards to Michael. Tell him I'm sorry to leave so suddenly, but I've sent him down a little gift in return. I'm sure the two of you will make up for my absence".

Dean felt the wind whipping at his back, pulling at his jacket as if trying to claim him for the depths of hell. More ground had given way to open up the mouth of the cage. It would be fully open in moments. Dean's eyes watered as he realised he had failed. He couldn't save Sam, he couldn't save Castiel. Time had run out, this was the end. Lucifer would destroy the world from behind Sam's eyes. And knowing his brother's fate made his own much worse. Dean wondered if it gave Sam a sliver of comfort to know he would be with Lisa. But now the tables were turned and there was no apple pie life waiting for Sam. Sam would be with Lucifer. And it crushed Dean to know that their life's work, saving people, hunting things, ended here. Everything they had done, it was all for nothing…

Looking past the angel Dean watched the weak sunlight of dawn filter through the graveyard. He had a grave once, his very own. There would be nothing to mark his passing this time. On the horizon the sun rose above Castiel's shoulder, Dean had to look away. He waited for the angel to release him, for the moment he would fall back into the pit as his brother had before him. He could imagine the inevitable pull of gravity, his arms wheeling and finding nothing to hold but air. Suddenly a shadow fell across Dean's face. Bobby stood behind Castiel, his insubstantial form still blocking the sun. Without pausing for thought he thrust his hands into the angel. Castiel immediately went rigid, his eyes widening in horror as his chest began to glow. Bobby yelled with the effort he was expending. His eyes were scrunched shut in a painful grimace. The join between ghost and angel crackled with energy, harsh light sparked from the spot between Castiel's wings. Then the angel threw his head back and screamed in agony.

It felt like it went on forever. Castiel's fists clutched tightly at Dean's jacket, his fingers spasming at intervals, until finally his eyes flickered with light and his grip relaxed. Dean felt himself slipping… Bobby was spent, he vanished without warning. There was nobody to help him now. Dean fell back as the angel collapsed. The wind was dying down but it still pulled at him. The cage was beginning to close but the fissure was still wide open. Dean fell towards it, instinctively he reached out, grabbing nothing but air as he had imagined. Then a hand enclosed Dean's wrist. His fall stopped abruptly. Dean looked up and let out a shuddering breath in relief… "Sammy!"

-oOo-

Sam's eyes flickered open. His mind was foggy. Where was he? What was happening? The sound of wind roared all around him. Somebody was screaming… Then it all came back to him. Castiel attacking him… no, _Lucifer_ attacking him. Sam sat bolt upright with the realisation they were all in terrible danger. He quickly took in the situation and knew they had gone way past terrible danger at this point.

Then Castiel crumpled and Dean fell. Sam had no time to think, only act. He scrambled to his feet and launched himself at the gaping hole. Frantically Sam prayed he would catch his brother as he threw his arm out. Feeling a solid grip on Dean's wrist Sam offered a quiet thanks to God - assuming he was still around somewhere. Dean managed to choke out a hopeful "Sammy!" but the utter relief on Dean's face gave way to worry as he saw Sam straining to take his weight and pull him up. To make matters worse the earth trembled around them as the gateway to the cage started closing up.

Sam put his all into pulling his brother up. Dean tried to help, his feet pushing and scrabbling against the sides, even as they closed in about him. It felt like Sam's arms were going to slip out of their sockets but he wasn't about to lose his brother now. He noticed Dean trying to snatch a glance at the bottomless black depths below him.

"Don't look down Dean, just look at me. You're getting out of here, I'll get you out". Sam used his calm reassuring voice, but underneath he felt anything but. His heart beat wildly in his chest… Sam could see beyond Dean, he could see the cage. He saw Lucifer and Michael tearing him to shreds like two dogs fighting over a toy. Then Dean's worried face came back into focus in front of him and he fought off the chains of the past. "I won't let go".

Finally Dean was far enough out to grip the surface and take some of his own weight. Sam reached under Dean's arms to help him the rest of the way out. The hell mouth had shrunk fast, there was little more than a metre left of it. Sam grabbed at the back of his brother's jean, desperately trying to get his legs clear. Then just as Dean was hefted over the edge the earth gave one last shudder and the opening to the cage shut beside them. The two brothers collapsed into a heap, breathing hard, flooded with adrenaline, and overcome by sheer relief.

Eventually they sat up and Sam took a look at Dean's wrecked face. "Dean, you look like crap… should probably get to a hospital or something".

"Well thanks… my back feels like one big bruise too. No time for hospitals though, we're not done here". Dean looked pointedly at the fallen form of Castiel. "We need to get him on lockdown. There's no telling what we'll be dealing with when he wakes up… if he wakes up. God knows what Bobby did to him; he just shoved his hands in and lit him up like a firecracker".

"Well as long as you're not going to keel over. I didn't haul your ass out of there for nothing. Seriously Dean, you look like you must have broken something, several somethings in fact".

"I'll be fine after a drink or three, bet I won't look half as bad with the blood washed off. I'll look after myself later Sammy, promise. First things first, the crazy ass angel… we can take him back to that plant. It's perfect - abandoned and nobody around for miles. Help me get him to the car".

They stood around Castiel, he now looked a pathetic crumpled mess at their feet with sallow skin, blood stains, and a pair of ruined wings at his back.

"Uh, Dean, we're going to have to fold his wings up to get him in the car". Sam really didn't like the thought of touching them. Before he wouldn't have touched the angel's wings through reverence, now it was revulsion that stayed his hand.

"Okay, sit him up". Dean went round to Castiel's back as Sam pulled the unconscious angel into a sitting position and held him tight.

Tentatively Dean put his hand to Castiel's left wing and took hold. Making a small disgusted sound at the back of his throat he pulled away a fist full of feathers. They just seemed to slough off and come away with his hand, leaving seeping blood behind. Though his wings were tacky with more than just blood… pus and rot seemed to coat the feathers. Sam met Dean's reluctant eyes saying _"what the hell?"_ but he also saw his brother's resolve harden. Quickly Dean worked to fold Castiel's wings against his back; he was all business and ignored the mess as best he could. With the job done, they awkwardly carried Castiel to the car between them.

-oOo-

There were echoing voices…

"Think Bobby's ok?"

"Yeah, he probably just ran out of juice like last time. He'll be back".

"You said he lit Cas up like a firecracker… you don't think it exorcised him somehow? You know, like Cas does with demons?"

"No. He'll be back".

"I hope so… Hey, I'm sure I just saw his fingers move. Think he's coming around?"

The sound of feet shuffling closer… "Cas? You in there? Holy shit!"

After listening to the brothers' quiet voices for a while Lucifer decided to let them know he had come to awareness. Waiting for Dean to approach he suddenly opened his eyes, raised his head and snapped open his wings, all with a snarl that would put a lion to shame.

Dean stumbled back a few steps, breathing hard. "Yeah… guess he's awake".

Lucifer found himself tied to a chair on a devil's trap, the outside of it being a circle of burning holy oil. Further sigils were scrawled across the floor. It looked like they had thrown every method of containment they knew at him. Lucifer reached out to use Castiel's grace but found it greatly diminished. Bobby's attack and the effort of opening the cage had taken its toll. Lucifer scowled and cursed these pathetic lesser angels. His archangel grace would not have been so easily drained.

Dean stepped forward again and spoke dangerously. "I take it you're not Cas then… Get out of him. I won't say it more than once".

"You can say it as many times as you like Dean. I'm not going anywhere. Not unless Sammy wants to take me back in?" His predatory gaze wandered over to Sam leaning against a wall in the background.

Stepping to one side Dean blocked his view. "You don't look at him. Look at me. Now get out".

"Make me!" Lucifer snarled again, a deep threatening sound that echoed around the cavernous building.

"Oh I will. I have had enough of you. We put you down once and like a cockroach you crawl back. This time I'm going to step on you real hard and grind you into the ground until there's nothing left but dust".

"You can try. You won't succeed. There is only one way this ends".

"Yeah with me kicking your ass like every other supernatural son of a bitch we come up against. You're no different, not really, you all have a weakness".

Lucifer noticed Dean's stiff movements. Although he had cleaned the blood off his face it was still swollen and deeply bruised. "And yet your face says different... You _know_ how this ends".

Pulling at his bonds Lucifer bared his teeth and raised his wings, making a sound almost like growling deep in his throat. The threatening gesture washed right over Dean.

"You know what Luci? You sound just like a cornered animal. Stop fluffing your fur and get out of my friend".

As Dean uttered the word _friend_ Lucifer felt Castiel stir. _Don't get too excited little one…_ "So Castiel is your friend now? Not so long ago you had him in a circle of fire. Not so long ago you tried to kill him. Why not take us both out? That's what you really want isn't it?"

"You son of a bitch, is that what you've been telling him? It's lies Cas, all lies, now fight back!"

"Actions speak louder than words I find. The action of thrusting a dagger into Castiel's back says more than your ephemeral, changeable words… don't you think so Sam?"

"I _said_ you don't look at him. You don't talk to him either".

"Dean… come here". Sam's quiet voice requested. His brother gave Lucifer a last glare before joining him. "Yelling at him isn't getting us anywhere. We need to-"

"Hello boys". A gravelly English accent cut in. "Looks like you could do with a hand".


	6. Hope is the Thing with Feathers

**When Angels Deserve to Die**

**Chapter 6 – Hope is the Thing with Feathers**

_"Hope" is the thing with feathers  
That perches in the soul  
And sings the tune without the words  
And never stops—at all—_

Dean whirled around to find Crowley standing there, smarmy as ever. "What the hell are you doing here?!"

"Do you think I live in a cave? Lucifer returns, the cage opens, and you think I'd remain oblivious?" He held his hand out and took a glass of whiskey seemingly from thin air. Then the demon looked at Dean and cringed. "Ouch, looks like someone beat the pretty off your face. Or did you walk into a door love? I'd get some ice on that if I were you".

"Screw you Crowley" Dean scowled at the demon.

"Shame on you Dean, is that any way to talk to an old friend?" Casually Crowley strolled to the edge of the burning circle. He sipped at his drink and looked at the angel as if he was assessing a building job. "Well well Castiel… I am surprised to find you here alive and kicking. I would say it's good to see you, but I don't think it's really you I'm talking to".

"Release me" Lucifer levelled a pointed glare at Crowley as if he could compel him with a simple thought.

"How about 'no'?" Crowley smiled then raised his glass to the angel and took another sip.

"You insipid cockroach, I made you!" The glare had gone; a snarl replaced it with spittle flying as he roared. "I created you to condemn the earth and you whore yourself to these humans!"

"Now, now Luci, be nice". He turned back to the Winchesters. "So boys, it would seem you've got a bit of devil stuck in your angel. I can get it out if you'd like me to".

"What's the catch?" Dean asked warily, he knew there would be one. Crowley didn't exactly do things out of the goodness of his heart.

"Well, to start off with I'll have to remove his grace…"

"What? No! It'll turn him human; we can't do that to Cas!"

"I would have thought he'd prefer being human over being dead, or at best Lucifer's sock puppet. Lucifer has infected his grace too deeply. There's nothing to be done, there's no way to remove Lucifer without taking his grace. It's diseased… and what do you do with diseased flesh? You cut it away. Look at him. Does he look well to you? Look at his wings, they're directly connected to his grace, a physical manifestation of his true form, and they're _festering_". Crowley's voice became harsher and harsher as he went on.

The angel flexed his wings as they watched. It was meant as a threatening gesture, but the ground around his feet was littered with feathers. The few that remained were ragged and glistening with rot. Blood and worse spotted the floor beneath him. The dreadful appendages didn't look like wings any more. "Leave him like that much longer and you're going to get flies in here. I'm surprised you can't smell him, it's disgusting".

Dean had remained quiet; he knew in his heart that Crowley was right. There was no need for a demon to lie when the truth was painful enough. Dean recalled the feel of feathers sloughing off at his touch and stifled a gag. If Castiel's wings were in that condition what must the rest of him be like? It must hurt, the pain of your very heart decaying… to drown on dry land under Lucifer's suffocation. Dean silently accepted they needed to end Castiel's suffering and excise his tainted grace. Still, he hated being the one to decide the angel's fate. He didn't feel he should be the one pulling Castiel down to humanity. "Sammy… what do you think?"

"Honestly Dean, I don't think we have much of a choice here. All our options are pretty crappy. We just have to choose the least crappy one". Sam paused, seeming equally as hesitant about Castiel's fate. "He's your angel, you're the most qualified here to know what he'd want… but I'd choose humanity".

"How the hell am I supposed to know what he'd want? He's a being older than dirt; it must feel like he's known me for all of two seconds…"

"And yet he's died for you. He clearly thinks a lot of you Dean. He would want it to be you, and whatever happens I'm sure he'll understand".

"Tick tock boys" Crowley tapped at his wrist. "I'm a busy guy, haven't got all day. And he's deteriorating by the minute". He stuck a thumb in Castiel's direction.

"Cas is going to hate being human, I know he is. But… we can deal with it. We'll help him. If this is the only way to get rid of Lucifer it has to be done". Though Dean's voice was quiet, his former bravado all but gone, he gave Crowley a challenging look in the eye. "But how are you going to do it? You're a demon; you can't take an angel's grace".

"I know a guy who knows a guy". Crowley shrugged.

"Yeah, I'm sure you do. What's that supposed to mean?" Though he might be speaking the truth Dean still didn't trust him.

"Lets just say if Castiel was up before the firing squad there would be a queue a mile long to pull the trigger… well, maybe a bit shorter. Your boy here killed half of Heaven's finest after all".

"An angel? You're bringing an angel down here?! What's to stop them smiting us all where we stand?"

"Relax, like I said, I know a guy who knows a guy. I got a nice little attack angel lined up that only smites on command. Now if we're all done here I'll go get him". Crowley made to leave, raising a hand to snap his fingers.

"Wait. Why are you doing this? What's in it for you?" Dean figured this was going to be the sting in the tail of the arrangement.

"Oh right, well, finders keepers… If I get dear Castiel's grace out then it's mine. I've even got a lovely bit of jewellery to keep it contained in". Crowley reached into his pocket and pulled out Dean's amulet.

"No, you're not keeping his grace. You think we'd leave you with something that powerful? Never mind that it's a piece of Cas? And where the hell did you get that?!" Dean was getting angrier as he went on.

"Calm down ducky. While I'm sure I could poke and prod at that grace and find something fun to do with it, I won't. I'm keeping it as insurance. My own little bit of Lucifer on a string. If he rises he'll be incomplete without this. And I want him up here wreaking havoc about as much as you do. So I'll be keeping that grace very far away from the cage, and both our interests will be served by me having it. Lord knows I'm a safer pair of hands than you two chuckleheads". Crowley held up the amulet and rubbed his chin. "As for this old thing, would you believe somebody actually threw it out with the trash? Terrible I know, all it needs is a bit of spit and polish to bring it up new again".

"It's mine" Dean growled. "And we're supposed to just take your word that you'll keep Cas' grace in the cooler?"

"Yes, because you don't have a choice. I can pinky promise if you'd like?" Crowley scornfully waved his little finger in front of Dean. "And you threw that amulet out, thereby relinquishing any claim to ownership you had on it. It would be a shame to leave it rotting at the bottom of a rubbish dump don't you think?"

Dean scowled and pointed a finger at Crowley. "If you ever take that grace and-"

"Yeah yeah, if I'm a naughty boy you'll come and spank me silly, yada yada. We done now?" He gave the brothers a questioning look and was met by silence. "Ok, see you in a bit boys". And with a snap of his fingers Crowley disappeared.

Dean wiped a hand over his face with a wince and started pacing "I don't like this. I don't like this one bit… This feels so wrong. Did I mention I don't like this?"

"You'd be crazy to like anything about this Dean… We're ripping out Cas' grace, making him human, and then giving it to Crowley on a silver plate. It doesn't get much worse than this". Sam pushed away from the wall to stand in front of Dean. "But what's the alternative? I mean, talk about being stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea. We can't keep him trapped here forever. And I think Crowley's right, he is getting worse…" Sam was sure he could now detect the sickly scent of decay in the air. He looked across at Castiel to find him with his head bowed and once proud wings now dragging on the floor.

-oOo-

It wasn't long before Crowley appeared again, although he was alone.

"Where's the angel? I thought you were bringing an angel back?" Dean immediately jumped on him.

"Have a bit of patience man. He's just grabbing a vessel, won't be a minute". The few lights they had got to work started flickering. "Ah, speak of the devil… or angel. Here he comes".

The sound of rushing wings brought forth a young man, little more than a boy really. He had long black hair tied back, and black clothes, his t-shirt bore a pentagram and a band name. The soft lines on his face spoke of a kid that smiled more than he wanted people to believe, but his face held no expression now. Despite his young appearance there was a depth to his eyes telling of a heart that had seen millennia pass.

"Nice vessel. Wannabe goth?" Dean displayed his usual lack of respect which earned him an elbow to the ribs from Sam.

Crowley ignored the slight and ploughed on. "Now let me introduce you to Samael. Some call him the angel of death… some actually confuse him with Lucifer himself, but no, he just has a little trouble picking sides now and then. Samael, these are the Winchester boys I'm sure you've heard so much about".

"Of course, charmed I'm sure…" The angel's overly formal voice coming from such an immature looking kid was quite strange. He seemed utterly disinterested in the brothers - also strange considering their previous encounters with angel kind. "I am told I have some grace to collect. Shall we?"

"Um, yeah… just try not to hurt him too badly". Dean seemed a little wrong footed by Samael's straight to it attitude.

"There is no greater pain I could inflict on Castiel, and there is no comfort I can offer him. Nor would I… what is, is what must be". Samael approached the edge of the burning circle and Castiel raised his head.

"Samael, brother, release me…" the angel's voice was weak.

"Your grace is poisoned, diseased beyond repair. I can only release you from it". Samael threw his arm out to one side, an angel blade slid into his grip.

Knowing what was about to happen the wrecked angel seemed to call upon a last reserve of strength. "No! Stay your hand Samael you snake! I know you, you stand on the side of the righteous doing their dirty work but I see the heart of you. It is corrupted Samael. You lay with mine and then return to Heaven hiding behind a mask of virtue. Hide no longer. There are no rules now, there is no judgment. You can release me and stand proudly by my side".

"Your side… their side… You should know by now I stand only at my own side. I am what I am. Your poisonous words can change nothing".

As they stood off to one side Sam thought Samael was starting to sound like the angelic version of Crowley. The demon turned to them showing an uncharacteristic moment of concern. "You boys might want to take cover. The light show's going to get quite intense".

Sam pulled at Dean's arm. His brother stood watching the two angels with rapt attention. "Come on, lets get out of the way. We can step outside just for a moment".

"I don't want to leave him Sammy… he shouldn't be alone in this with nobody but those two". Dean sounded lost.

"I know, but if your eyes get melted out of their sockets you won't be able to help him afterwards, and he's going to need you more than ever then". Sam pulled a little harder and reluctantly Dean came away with him.

As they got to the door Sam shot a last look back. Samael reached out a hand and the flames died away, then he shot forwards and sunk his blade into Castiel's chest. They closed the door just as Castiel let loose a howl.

-oOo-

Pain, unimaginable pain was all he knew. Pain and confusion. He felt nothing and then felt too much. The body was Jimmy's, Lucifer's, Castiel's… Flashes of all three lives assaulted his senses. A soft kiss with Amelia… sitting side by side with Sam… and then a quiet moment of staring into Dean's eyes. All the while a burning lance tore at his core. He was falling to pieces, his wings disintegrating. The visions seemed to offer a fleeting solace where he returned to distant, faded times. His sorrow and pain were lured by fragrant, bittersweet memories. An argument with Amelia… falling into the cage with Sam… and then a quiet moment of disbelief after Dean yelled _"Just kill him now!"_

He felt eons ebb and flow in the span of seconds. The passing of time in heaven, on earth, and down in the depths of hell clashed within him. He lived and suffered as intensely as he could in those endless instants. He wished for death, cried out for this to end. Then mercifully the pain started dying away. The fires of his heart grew dim, becoming only the faintest embers of the roaring blaze they had once been. His limbs, heavy with the weight of the heavens and earth protested. As his mind quieted, settled, and came together as Castiel, he felt a longing for his life. Slowly the agony in his heart began to ease. A lifting of pressure, of the desire for death, even though his nerves still sparked with pain. He was coming back to himself.

Still there seemed a yawning chasm at his core, knowledge of record and history tried desperately to fill it. It slid through him, seemingly intent on a search for freedom and forgetfulness. His angelic self lurched, pained in front of him. He just stared back with tired, vacant eyes, as if watching the most fascinating of nothing. "_Cas? Can you hear me? Can you open your eyes?_" a voice called out to him and he ignored it. He was distracted by the insurmountable task of trying to gather pieces of himself. He was like a child trying in vain to catch butterflies. They seemed to glide just out of reach, taunting him. Then his mind drifted, only to be slammed back reluctantly, repeatedly, and painfully by those he vaguely remembered knowing, as if from a different life and age. "_Cas dammit, wake up_"… "_Give him a moment_"… He couldn't seem to draw himself together. He knew he was more than this, he felt incomplete… but he was so tired, so weary. It was so easy to let himself go, watch that ethereal part of him fly away and forget it was ever his.

So he tried in vain to forgive and forget himself. He remembers, he forgets, he forgets again, he remembers less. He was suddenly saddened at the thought of forgetting. Of not being who he used to be. And yet, at this time of his undoing, he had never felt more real. His mind quietened and he listened to his shallow breaths, the rhythmical beat of his heart. They were his now, his very own. Still, he was torn asunder at the thought of losing that which made him complete. He feared he would never be complete again. He reached for his grace and found nothing. What was he without his grace? He knew only one thing… He was Castiel.


	7. Because I Could Not Stop for Death

**Epilogue – Because I Could Not Stop for Death **

_Because I could not stop for Death,  
He kindly stopped for me;  
The carriage held but just ourselves  
And Immortality._

As the voices became louder and more insistent Castiel cracked open his eyes. His bones ached on the cold, hard, floor beneath him, but he was otherwise consumed by a detached numbness. For this he was thankful, he was sure when it wore away he would feel nothing but pain. Somebody was kneeling next to him, talking to him, saying things he didn't hear. A name came to him… Dean?

A soft glow drew his attention to Crowley's chest. An amulet held that which had just slipped through his fingers like sand on an endless beach. Castiel knew it was his, it called to him. Weakly he reached out towards it, his hand sliding slowly across the rough, concrete floor. A tear slid from the angel's eye, prompting Dean to look at the demon over his shoulder and growl. "Get out of here Crowley".

"What? Not even a thank you? Oh well… it's been a pleasure as always". A snap and he was gone, taking Castiel's grace with him.

Dean gathered Castiel's outstretched hand between his own. "Don't cry Cas…" So he was human enough to cry. The thought of his angel weeping tore at Dean's heart. Weeping angels stood vigil over quiet graves; they shouldn't lie broken at his feet. _Ex-angel_ Dean corrected himself. For real angels didn't weep, only in humanity's ignorant, sentimental, stone sculptures could an angel cry. Castiel had the joys of humanity to experience now. "We'll look after you, it'll be ok".

-oOo-

Sam found a blanket in the car to wrap around Castiel. Once they'd got him to his feet and out in the fresh air he had started shivering. It wasn't that cold out but being an angel Castiel probably wasn't used to it.

After driving back to Rufus' cabin they set Castiel up on the couch. He quickly fell asleep leaving Sam and Dean to put their feet up and crack open a few beers. It almost seemed like tradition: avert crisis drink beer. Sam tossed Dean a bag of ice with a snicker "_that's for your face, not for your drink_". After a while Dean pulled out Bobby's flask and carefully placed it on the coffee table.

"Bobby? Are you out there?" He paused, waiting for a sign… Nothing. So Dean set down his bottle next to the flask. "Feel free to help yourself to my beer again… Come on Bobby. Show yourself".

Sam watched the barely disguised anguish on his brother's face and put a reassuring hand to his shoulder. "He'll be back when he's ready. That stunt he pulled on Castiel must have really drained his batteries".

"I know… I just feel as if I've lost them again". Dean rubbed at his eyes with a sigh. He had to believe Sam. He had to hope. But at the back of his mind Dean told himself that saving the world always came at a cost, and this time it was Bobby. Probably Castiel as well. Dean wasn't sure what shape he would be in upon waking. Maybe getting rid of Lucifer had returned his sanity… maybe falling had worsened it. All Dean knew for sure was that Castiel was now human, and that was going to be one hell of an adjustment for the guy.

Castiel suddenly shot bolt upright with a gasp. "Lu… Lu…" he was heaving in great breaths as if he had just surfaced from drowning. His hands twisted tightly in the blanket before Dean came across to gather them up.

"Breathe Cas, it's ok, it's just a dream". Despite Dean's reassurance Castiel's eyes remained wide and unseeing. Eventually they softened and settled on Dean. After a few moments more Castiel seemed to realise where he was and relaxed. He sank back on the couch, his breathing evening out.

"Hey Cas, do you want anything to eat or drink? You could probably use some water". Sam went to grab a bottle.

"No… no… too hot, burning". He tried kicking away the blanket like a tempestuous two year old.

"Water will help, it's nice and cold". Sam unscrewed the cap and handed the bottle to Dean. His brother held it up to Castiel but the former angel shook his head and pushed it away, forehead creased in seeming discomfort.

"Got to go, got to get out…" Attempting to untangle himself from the blanket and get to his feet Castiel ended up pushing at Dean.

Dean quickly handed the bottle back to Sam and grabbed the former angel's wrists trying to gently restrain him. "Take it easy Cas, you don't need to go anywhere, you're safe here".

"Not safe… you're not safe". Castiel continued struggling.

"We are totally safe, nobody knows we're here, we're completely off the map". Dean feared the worse case scenario: that falling had sent Castiel entirely off the deep end. But it was very early days; Dean told himself it was just the initial shock of the whole thing. Castiel would get better.

And then the former angel gave him a look of such pure, unbridled, terror before hissing "You are not safe from _me_. I am a monster, a destroyer. I will destroy you!"

"No Cas. You listen to me. You are _not_ a monster. Get that idea right out of your head now". Dean used his 'I mean business' voice on the angel, hoping to get through to him.

"He saw into me. He saw the heart of me, and it is darkness". Castiel still had the spooked look on his face, but he lost focus, almost seeming to stare through Dean. "Cage me… kill me. I will hurt you".

"Jesus Cas, is that what he told you? That you're a monster? He's the monster here! That son of a bitch Lucifer poisoned you… He's gone now, he's caged, and you're not going anywhere. You're going to sit on this couch and rest". Dean loosened his grip as Castiel seemed to settle.

"Don't turn your back on me…" The former angel whispered as he closed his eyes.

"I won't Cas". The angel probably meant he would stab Dean in the back if he turned it. However Dean chose to reply to a different meaning. He wouldn't turn his back on Castiel; he wouldn't give up on him or leave him to face this strange, new life alone. They were in this together.

-oOo-

The first difficult week passed by slowly. Castiel slept a lot at first. When he was awake he was lucid in varying degrees. Sometimes he thought he was still an angel, sometimes he thought he was a monster. Every time it was heart breaking. In his more rational moments Castiel recognised his humanity. He would still ramble about the gaping void at his heart, and the wearing passage of time he now felt. But at least he knew where he was and who he was. When Castiel was awake they would try and get him to eat and drink. The former angel always resisted, and he didn't seem to keep much of anything down when they finally succeeded. It was a worry.

They would watch him in shifts. Well, they said they were going to watch him in shifts. Sam noted he spent more time doing supply runs than Dean did. Castiel seemed more settled with Dean by his side anyway, he woke screaming less for one thing… Still, it didn't seem to be doing Dean any good. His brother tried to hide it, but Sam could see Dean's troubled feelings bubbling just beneath the surface. Sam's attempts to corner him and talk things through were always deflected. Eventually Sam managed to get him out of the cabin by appealing to Dean's concern for Castiel. They had tried the former angel with all manner of foods, burgers, soup, pie… Sam suggested he go find something else Castiel might like. Maybe ice cream? Dean had enthusiastically got to his feet exclaiming that _everybody_ liked Ben and Jerrys, even angels had to! Sam only hoped getting out and about in the fresh air would help him.

So Sam found himself sitting by the angel's side. He turned the TV on and lowered the volume. After flipping half heartedly through a few channels he switched it off again. The best thing on was the shopping channel. A cheery middle aged gentleman stood flogging fine, women's jewellery he clearly knew nothing about. Not that Sam was an expert in such matters, but he was sure he could find something more to say than "pretty" and "sparkling" every ten seconds. The silence stretched out before him now, the only disturbance being soft breaths from Castiel and the occasional creak of their old cabin. Sam studied Castiel's face. It was creased and drawn as if he were in pain or concentrating. It crossed his mind to wake the former angel, better to wake him gently now than have him jolt from a nightmare later. But Sam was enraptured, watching…

And now he realised what Dean went through when he sat here. Watching, confronted by feelings with nowhere to go. Sam felt sympathy with Castiel. He knew Lucifer's cold touch; he knew what it was to be smothered by the devil. The horror of being swept away and helpless would always be with him. But he had been born to it; the demon blood had prepared him for it. In some ways Lucifer felt like the missing puzzle piece that made him whole. And it disgusted Sam to even think like that. He didn't want to feel at home with the devil… it was the blood, it was Ruby. He didn't want any of it.

Had it been worse for Castiel? The former angel had only a piece of Lucifer to deal with, a piece that had driven Sam mad. Still, Castiel was not made to house any part of Lucifer. It poisoned him; disease ate away at his grace until they had no choice but to cut it out. Sam couldn't imagine the pain of Lucifer's suffocation coupled with the decay of his very being. And yet Castiel had broken his wall. Was it wrong to feel sympathy? Had Castiel simply reaped what he had sown? He must have known the suffering it would bring Sam. Did he not care? There were other options to distract the Winchesters. Heck, he could have sent them halfway around the world, but he _chose_ to hurt Sam. It spoke to a certain callousness, a disdain, even hatred…

But the wall was crumbling. It would have fallen sooner or later, with or without Castiel. In fact Castiel had warned against putting Sam's soul back. Should he be blaming the one who returned it? Should he be blaming Dean? No… Dean was just moved by the need to have his brother back and in one piece. He would do the same for Dean. He wouldn't give up… but he had given up. When Dean was in hell. He tried and failed, then he threw in the towel and set out for revenge. What kind of brother was he?

Sam didn't want to sit here thinking any more. How could Dean stand it hour after hour? Thoughts going around and around, and always in a downward spiral… Luckily Castiel stirred, a shake of the head and a harried cry from his lips. Now was the time to wake him. Gently Sam shook the fallen angel and coaxed him awake. Castiel stilled and cracked his eyes open a sliver.

"You're closer to death than I am" Castiel half sighed as he came back to the waking world.

Sam wasn't sure if it was directed at him or at remnants of dreams as they faded away… So he ignored it and offered the angel some water. Castiel predictably refused and hitched himself up into more of a sitting position.

"Cas, you have to eat and drink now. I know it sucks but you'll just waste away otherwise. Keep this up and Dean will take you to a hospital where they'll force feed you through a tube". He held out the water again.

Castiel made no move to take it. He lay his head back against the couch and stared at the ceiling. "I can feel this body dying all around me". His words were slow and heavy, as if the weight of mortality itself dragged him downward.

The way it was said out of the blue sent a chill down Sam's spine. His mouth opened to offer some token comfort, but he honestly did not know what to say. In the brief moment of silence the angel continued.

"Every cell is aging, dying, being replaced… Eventually they will cease and I will die entirely. It didn't happen before. I kept it all constant, everything in balance and ever lasting… Time didn't matter, from a minute to an age, I endured. Now every second is filled with death… I am trapped in a dying body. I cannot get out. And maybe this is my punishment; maybe this is what I deserve... You should let me die. I brought this on myself". The fallen angel said it all with a disinterested monotonous voice, as if he had long ago given up on life.

Sam was momentarily rendered mute by the terrible things Castiel had said. But it made him realise what it felt like for an angel to suddenly be human. To have until the end of time, and maybe beyond it… never aging, never dying, and then to be given a paltry number of human years. Humans lived in the blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things. Their bodies breaking down every minute and every hour of their existence… People know their days are numbered, but angels were not born to die. What could Sam possibly say to ease Castiel's suffering?

"I won't sit here and watch you die. Neither will Dean. Being human… it is not a punishment. Don't see it that way. See it as an opportunity. You have a chance to right your wrongs. Dying won't help you do that. Dying is the easy way out. Do you want Dean's forgiveness? You have a chance to work for it. Now drink". Sam thrust the bottle of water at Castiel, its contents sloshing against the sides.

The former angel didn't say a word, but a shaky hand reached out from beneath the blanket and Castiel gingerly took the bottle.

It was a few hours later when Dean returned. He had bags full of food and drink, but Castiel was asleep again and so the wonders of ice cream would have to wait. Sam relinquished his seat to Dean and went to get some shut eye in the back room. After a few moments he heard the thunk of Bobby's flask being set on the table. It was becoming a daily ritual, this calling for Bobby. But thus far there hadn't been so much as a breeze to tell of his presence. Sam listened to his brother quietly pleading for Bobby to move something. The silence that followed spoke volumes.

Sleep was eluding Sam. He felt tired, but after everything that had happened his mind was too awake. He lay with his eyes closed, just listening. Dean's voice came to him again. This time he was talking to Castiel, the one sidedness of the conversation telling him the former angel was probably still asleep. Talking to someone who couldn't hear must have been preferable to being left with his own thoughts. It was mainly nonsensical chit chat about the hot cashier he'd just seen. How she had a name tag saying "Brenda" over her left breast so he cheekily asked her what the other one was called. Sam smiled, it was typical Dean. But after a few moments of silence passed Dean's voice turned serious.

"I don't know Cas. I just don't know and that's the truth… I don't know how to feel about you, I don't know what to do with you. I don't know… I wish I did. I should hate you. After everything you did, after everyone you hurt and killed. For God's sake you hurt Sammy. You must have known what that meant, you knew it would hurt me too, you knew it would destroy our friendship. You were like a brother to me Cas, and you didn't care". Sam listened as Dean paused and sighed, he could just imagine his brother sitting back and running a hand over his face.

"I already know what it is to have a brother go rogue". At those words something twisted in Sam's gut. He now wished he was sleeping not eavesdropping. Did he want to hear this? "Sam believed he was doing the right thing. From what I gather you believed you were doing the right thing… blah blah Raphael right? I forgave Sam. He's my brother, we might fall out and fight but I love him. It's a bone deep, tied by blood thing… and this life is too damn short to live with so much hate". Sam almost breathed a sigh of relief, the twist in his gut relaxed.

"Maybe we had something like that Cas. Maybe not so deep or tied so strong, but as I said, you were like a brother to me… Cuz I should hate you, but I don't. I have moments when I hate you, but truth be told I can't keep it up. So if I don't hate you, I must like you right? I must forgive you? I can't Cas… I know it ain't exactly logical or whatever. But I'm just talking through my feelings here, they're not logical, and I don't do this _ever_ so I don't get much practice. Geez, when did I turn into such a girl?" Sam lay there smiling to himself. Dean was _finally_ opening up. Sure he thought Sam and Cas were asleep, he thought nobody was listening to him, but he was talking _out loud_ about feelings. To Sam this was a major breakthrough.

"Anyway, I don't like you and I can't forgive you. Not that easily. Not after what you did, especially not after hurting Sammy. I wish it could be different, I wish we could go back to how we were before… and I'm sure you wish this hadn't happened either. But like I can't hold on to the hate, I can't create feelings that aren't there. It's not that they'll never be there again; it's just going to take time. I know you need me now, and I want to help you through this crap. Me being like this isn't helping… I'm trying to hide it, keep it from you, keep up this mask of normality. I'm sure you can see through it. I'm sorry Cas. You keep saying sorry to me and I keep denying you… but I'm so sorry. I want to forgive you and I can't. There's a long road to forgiveness and we'll get there, we've started on that path". Sam really hoped some part of Cas was listening…

"I've said I have moments when I hate you, maybe there are moments I can forgive you. There's so much I don't know Cas, but there's one thing I do know. Right here, right now, in this moment… I for-".

Castiel must have stirred at that point since Dean shut up pretty quickly.

After a few moments of jostling and a brief exchange over some water Sam heard Castiel's weak voice make a request. "Can we go outside? I would like to see the sky… it feels like such a long time since I last saw it".

"Um yeah, sure thing. It's cloudy though, looks like rain later, so I'm not sure you'll get to see any actual sky. Hey, I've got some ice cream for you to try too. We can have a picnic out there".

Sam finally drifted off to the sounds of Dean busying himself about the cabin, gathering things for their outside adventure. He slept with a feeling of contentment for the first time in a long time.

-oOo-

Dean ushered Castiel outside. Wrapped in his blanket, his hair a mussed mess, Castiel resembled the child Dean so often accused him of being. Dean set the former angel down on another blanket; it was spread beneath a tree. Branches reached protectively over their heads acting as a shelter should it rain. While Dean set about getting them some ice cream he noticed Castiel taking several deep breaths. The angel seemed to be drinking in the fresh air like a recently drowned man. Then he looked around, studying the grass, examining the trees… Castiel had the air of a released prisoner lost and marvelling at a world he knew, but one that had changed through his incarceration.

"It's all different" Castiel said as his head swivelled round. "I can't see as much, and yet I see so much more. The past and the future are gone, all the connections and the energy have disappeared. But the present is stronger. Every leaf and blade of grass… there is only now, and it is so bright and brilliant. I never noticed before". His head suddenly shot upward. "I can't see it".

"Well I told you it was cloudy…"

"The tree is in the way… the branches and leaves… It wouldn't obscure my sight before. Such physical things… and the clouds are nothing. I could see, if I were six foot beneath the ground I could see".

Castiel's voice had taken on a melancholy edge that Dean didn't like. He shoved a bowl and spoon towards the former angel. "Here, try this. It's good, not as good as pie mind you… but since you decided my favourite cherry pie was only worthy for the bottom of the trash can maybe you'll like this instead. It's got little bits of cookie dough in, it's brilliant".

Tentatively Castiel raised the spoon to his lips. After a moment he gave a small smile "Yes, it is quite… brilliant". He tried the word like he tried the ice cream. Dean made a mental note to teach him some cuss words now he was human.

Dean watched Castiel eat his ice cream, it wasn't done with relish, but he didn't resist as if they were trying to feed him poison. Most of their previous attempts had turned out that way. And then if they managed to get anything down him it ended up at the bottom of the trash can soon after. So having Castiel eat willingly seemed like a milestone. It felt like they were building Castiel from the ground up. Each milestone was another brick in the building of his humanity. From the devastated foundations of an angel something stronger would arise.

But a storm on the horizon threatened their fledging work with a hurricane. Castiel's spoon stilled in his bowl as a faraway look took his eyes. Dean stopped eating and watched, preparing for the angel's grip on reality to slip as it so often had done of late.

Castiel sat up straight; it seemed as if he was straining to hear something. "The bells are tolling... sanctus, sanctus, sanctus" His voice seemed so lost. Then he frowned as if realising something. "Not a call, but a death knell… then let the angelus ring for the end of an angel. I am holy no longer".

As quickly as it came, it passed. Castiel's eyes cleared and his spoon resumed its regular scraping of the bowl and scooping of the ice cream. Dean let out a breath he hadn't even realised he'd been holding. Thankfully the episode had been a short one.

Castiel finished and put down his bowl, the spoon clattered about in it before settling. "I have decided…" Castiel looked at Dean as if delivering a dreadfully serious pronouncement. "I like ice cream".

"Good, I knew you would. Everybody likes ice cream. Here, let me get you a refill". As Dean took Castiel's bowl and stood to leave he noticed the sky had darkened and gentle drops started to dip the leaves around them. "Though it's starting to rain, we should probably get you inside".

"No… please, I would like to feel the rain. I think it might feel different too". The childlike sense of wonder Castiel had about the world now was quite endearing.

"Ok, but you don't go dancing about in the rain. You sit there under that blanket. There'll be plenty of years to feel rain yet, and you'll get to hate it like the rest of us… and if it starts pouring down you're coming straight in. No arguments".

Dean took their bowls inside and started perusing the variety of flavours. He couldn't quite decide which one to try Castiel with next… the one with chewy bits of caramel, the one with marshmallow and chocolate fish, or perhaps he would like the one with a picture of a polar bear on the front. Talk about a kid in a candy store… He would have asked Sam's opinion, but his brother was snoring loudly from the next room. Sam liked soft, cuddly things; he'd probably go for the bear… Ok, polar bear it was.

Dean took out the ice cream and started dishing it up into their bowls. He was sure he was going to end up with epic brain freeze after all this. Maybe some angelic remnant made Castiel immune or something… The former angel finished the last lot quickly enough without any problems. Before Dean made it outside the violent sound of rain crashing against their windows reached him. Dean swore and put the bowls down. It looked like the heavens had opened.

Rushing outside Dean ran over to their blanket. Even the protection of the tree hadn't saved it, it was sodden. Castiel's wet blanket was there too… but no Castiel. Dean swore again and looked around at the surrounding trees. There was no sign of him. Dean yelled the angel's name and listened for a reply. The only sound he could hear was the relentless hissing of rain making its way through the trees. His own clothes were becoming heavy with the downpour.

Dean's feet slipped on the wet grass as he ran back to the cabin to wake Sam. But in reaching the cabin he froze and looked up. There was Castiel, standing at the apex of the roof, his hair plastered down, his clothes sticking to him, but his face was turned to the sky. The angel's arms were held out at his sides, Dean couldn't quite tell from down here, but he seemed to have a look of bliss on his face. Castiel probably thought he was somewhere else… he probably thought he was some_one_ else. An angel. And if he tried to fly…

"Cas! Get away from the edge! If you fall you'll hurt yourself!" _Probably kill yourself_… he thought. Dean cursed himself for leaving the angel alone, even for ten minutes, it was ten minutes too long.

Of course, Castiel didn't make a move, didn't even acknowledge whether he'd heard Dean or not. "Ok, stop there! I'm coming to get you!"

Suddenly the cabin seemed like Mount Everest. Dean used nearby trees to help, but his feet slid on the wet wood of the roof. He tried digging his fingers in; the rain blinded him, making it hard to see the next step. Tentatively Dean took a hand to wipe at his eyes; he looked up to see Castiel watching him. The angel stood with his head cocked to one side, his familiar hawk like gaze tinged with bemusement.

"What are you doing here Dean? I didn't feel you dying…". Castiel's voice was barely audible over the downpour.

"I'm coming to get your stupid ass off the roof! You're not in Heaven! Snap out of it!" Dean yelled against the lashing rain to make himself heard.

"No… I couldn't see. Down there it was all obscured. Then I stood and saw a little more. I climbed and I could see. I could see all the way up, I could even see his kite!" Castiel spoke excitedly. "I belong up there, I was there… I _am_ there". His voice became more shaky and uncertain.

"Cas, you know I haven't climbed up to Heaven. No matter what Led Zep say, there is no freaking stairway. You're still on the roof, now step away from the edge". Dean tried reaching out a hand. He was still a fair distance away but he hoped Castiel would take it as an invitation to slide down to him.

Instead Castiel backed away from Dean and took a step closer to the edge. "But my wings… I feel my wings, they were strong, and now strange… but they are still there. I flew on them, back to where I belong". He turned his face to the sky.

"Cas! Look at me! Come here you stupid son of a bitch, you don't have wings any more! You take another step that way and you _die_!" Dean's desperation and helplessness were perhaps driving him to be a little mean. But all he knew was that Castiel stood on the edge of a knife and he could do nothing... All he could do was use his voice, and if yelling brought Castiel back to reality then he would yell.

Dean tried flinging himself further up the roof, hands and feet scrabbling for purchase. The rain seemed to work against him. For every inch he gained he was dragged down another two. He looked up at Castiel to gaze into eyes filled with fury.

"No Dean. I _live_". Castiel turned, threw his arms out, and jumped.


End file.
